


Betraying the Stars

by Ry (Reedeemedbywater)



Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Magic Reveal, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, depressed!merlin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-07 18:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4272996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reedeemedbywater/pseuds/Ry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**updated summary**</p><p>Arthur hasn't been himself lately, and it's hurting Merlin more than he expected it to. In fact, everything is hurting Merlin these days. Even himself. </p><p>But with lives in danger, there isn't much time for breaking. There's a plot to uncover, an old friend to re-bury, and a new enemy to be made</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Relief

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> This fic contains graphic depictions of self-harm and self-harm related scars.  
> If this will affect you negatively, DO NOT read this fic.

Maybe it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but the truth was there in angry pink lines all up and down Merlin’s arms. He was breaking, and it was going to take a lot more than a witty remark from Arthur to put him back together this time.   
He sat in Arthur’s chambers cleaning slowly, the prince was out on a hunt and would not be back until late. He had ordered Merlin to stay behind to take care of his chores in front of the knights but Merlin knew the kindness Arthur was showing him. Even if Arthur would deny it to anyone.  
He rubbed his arm again thinking of all the reasons for them, finally slipping into a memory…  
…  
“You’ll never be normal,” one of the noble children passing through his village had said once. Merlin’s eyes had lit with an anger that shocked even him and thrown the child against the opposite wall of the market. All without moving his hands.   
The witch hunt began immediately but, looking just as frightened and confused as anyone else, Merlin slipped silently into the crowd.   
…  
Now the only thing he remembers from those times are the last words the child ever said, He remembered going home and asking his mother if the child was right. The words of her answer even still disappointed him.   
“My dear Merlin,” she had said tenderly, taking her young child into her arms, “have I truly raised you no better? That you should wish normalcy on your extraordinary, it hurts me in ways I pray you might never understand.”   
“I think I killed him, the boy I mean,” Merlin had responded.   
“How do you mean you think you killed him?”   
“I imagined something happening and then…it happened.”   
His mother had worn a different expression then, it only flickered across her face before she hugged Merlin tighter, quick to whisper condolences and assurance that it hadn’t truly been him.   
But that first look told Merlin everything his mother wouldn’t. That was the day she began to fear Merlin. Because he had been right, he had killed the child. With the part of his blood she did not share.   
Here worst fear had greedily taken not only her husband from her, but now it’s tendrils curled outstretched for her only son.   
Merlin’s eyes grew glossy at the memory and he absentmindedly began picking at fresh scabs on his wrists.   
…  
That’s how Arthur found him hours later when he finally returned from his hunt.   
“Merlin,” he said from the doorway, clearing his throat. There was a soft care in his voice that he reserved for when the two were alone. “You cannot keep going on like this,” he said slowly placing a hand on his friends shoulder.   
Merlin barely perceived his touch instead staring at the wall, “I can’t keep going at all,” he said, the words trembling on his lips.   
“Don’t say that,” Arthur said, his grip on Merlin’s shoulder tightening. “Why would you say that?”  
“It’s so obvious, don’t you see?” Merlin said, lighting up with a smile that sent chills through Arthur’s veins.   
“No Merlin, I’m afraid I do not see whatever it is you’re getting at and frankly I’ve hardly got the time for it so, so long, as you’re smiling let’s get our business done. You can do whatever it is you do on your own time.”   
Arthur immediately regretted saying any of it but he had to say it. Uther had walked by and would not approve of the tone Arthur mainly used with Merlin these days. As far as Uther was concerned, Merlin was a servant, nothing more. And how do you tell someone that knows and owns everything that they’ve gotten something wrong?   
Arthur immediately turned to Merlin to apologize when at last he could no longer hear Uther’s horrendous footsteps echoing down the corridor. But the pain, hurt, anger, frustration, whatever it was Arthur had expected to see, wasn’t there. In its place something somehow even more chilling. Merlin was still smiling stupidly, as if he had just solved the answers to a particularly difficult question.   
But his eyes were just as glossy as they had been when Arthur found him. “Are you alright?” Arthur whispered, taking another step forward.   
“I am now,” Merlin said with a smile.   
…  
And he truly believed it. Merlin had done it, finally. He had cracked the code to what would truly amend all of this suffering that he had been feeling. He was so happy he could have kissed Arthur, god knows he would have to deal with no consequences…but a part of him be it ever so small remained conscious of what the young prince was soon to go through. Best not make it any harder than it needed to be.   
“I am now,” he repeated to himself and standing to his feet. He rolled down his sleeves and locked eyes with Arthur, a silent reaffirmation that Arthur had shared this with no one. Just because Merlin was falling apart didn’t mean anyone needed to know.   
If people knew, they thought they needed to help. But the truth was more complex than that, not everyone wanted help.   
Arthur nodded almost imperceptibility and Merlin left his chambers, a basket of laundry in to. He headed first for the washrooms and then back to his own home, a plot forming in his mind all the while.   
“Gaius!” he called as he entered he and the physician’s cramped quarters. When there was no answer he shrugged, out on a house call, he thought, probably for the best.   
His smile spread once again when he realized how deliciously alone he was. There was an entire cabinet of poisons at his disposal, and absolutely no one around to stop him. A strained giggle escaped his lips as he first took out a bottle of ale. Addicted to pain or not, he knew this was going to hurt way more than anything he had ever inflicted before. That was exactly why it was going to help so much more.   
He downed the entire bottle, savoring the alcohol on his breath as he created his next concoction, determined to make it the last thing that would ever touch his lips.   
He forgot the names of most of the vials he poured together, anything brightly colored or with a skull on the bottle was a given.   
He felt a very brief wave of guilt from stealing elixirs from Gaius before his darker thoughts quickly shut him up. “Gaius will be pleased you’ve gone. No one to lie to him constantly, no one to keep out of trouble or patch up when trouble finds him. Do not worry about Gaius, he would have given you these bottles in exchange for the favor you’re granting him.”   
Merlin was tipping the goblet to his lips when another round of dark thoughts attacked him, “Do you really deserve this? This escape? All you’ve ever deserved is pain. The pain you caused your mother for being born and driving your dad away, the pain you caused the child you killed, paying for being right with his life. Do you truly deserve to escape, while Arthur is up there in that castle locked in his own sort of dungeon? You’re not worth that.”  
These thoughts had caused Merlin to set back down his cup. It was still sitting on the table when Gaius walked through the door moments later.   
“Merlin,” he said cautiously eyeing the empty vials and the cup. What hurt him most was the lost look in the boy’s eyes.   
“Gaius, I’m sorry I was just reading in a magic book and it had a spell or two about medicine and I wanted to try it,” Merlin explained weakly.   
“So you made a death potion so strong it might kill you with just the sting of it’s aroma? Where in all of this did you think you’d have time to recite a spell? It’s a good thing I came back when I did, a few moments later and you might have already been gone.”   
The phrase pulled at Merlin, he longed after it. Gaius tries to convince himself he hadn’t seen the wanting look in Merlin’s eyes.   
Suddenly annoyed at Gaius’ inconvenient interruption, Merlin got up and left.   
…  
Merlin wandered the forest for hours with absolutely no direction, until finally he stumbles and sits to rest as if such things still mattered to him.   
He carried the knife for protection, that’s what he’d tell anyone. Just because he liked to wander alone and the big animals and mean men liked that he wandered alone as well.   
But the truth is much darker, the truth is that the knife is like a security blanket to Merlin. Something to calm everything back down when his mind began racing.   
He rolled up his sleeve and absentmindedly began picking at the scabs, his mind beginning to run wild once again.   
Gwen’s tried to give him advice about what to do instead, how to control it, but nothing ever works and it always just makes him feel worse for trying and failing so he stopped trying a long time ago. To Merlin, there is no distracting yourself until the urge goes away. Only distracting yourself until the sweet sickly desire fills you to the brim and you’re overflowing and then…  
Relief. 

His palm tingled at the blade slicing cleanly into his wrist. His mind swelled with one beautiful, tangible thought. Pain.   
Ruby red droplets came moments later, spilling out and to the side of his wrist, they dripped down and mixed themselves with the dirt.   
Merlin squeezed the last few drops out of the cut before his blood became sticky and clotted to cover the fresh wound. Damn the bodies persistence in being whole, he longed to fully match his outside to his inside.   
The first cut was beautiful, but not enough, never enough. The thought raged in the back of his mind as every cut after the last became deeper, lasted longer, some of the scars he was reopening held stories and memories but many of them were caused the same way these were being caused by, by absolutely nothing, just an over-active mind and an insistence of calling perfection a standard instead of an impossibility.   
The blood flowed violently now as Merlin danced the knife closer and closer to his veins, torturing himself with only thin tastes of what he truly wanted.


	2. So Much Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's downward spiral has only just begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> This fic contains graphic descriptions of self-harm. If this could be triggering to you, DO NOT read.

Chapter 2

“You’re hurt Emrys,” the young boy said by way of announcing his presence. 

Merlin flinched and the blade sliced just a bit deeper than he had been expecting. He winced in pain and rolled down his sleeve before turning to face the child.   
“I had a splinter but I think I got it,” he answered quickly. 

“Must have been a pretty deep splinter,” the boy observed quietly. 

“It’s sort of my luck,” Merlin replied halfheartedly. 

They boy had seen the scars, Merlin was sure of it. But that didn’t mean Merlin wasn’t going to try to keep him at a distance.   
“And in quite a number of places,” the boy observed halfheartedly, sensing that Merlin wasn’t going to speak about this with him.   
The boy caught Merlin’s eye and fixated him with a look of both pain and admiration. Merlin stared back at him, two pairs of blue crystals silently communicating between each other.  
Are you okay? The boy asked without the annoying boundary of speaking instead choosing to project his thoughts straight into Merlin’s mind.   
Merlin kept his guard up and replied, I’m fine, Mordred.   
Mordred’s gaze now faltered as he replied, I hope to see you again soon Emrys, but not like this. Not like this. …so much blood.   
With that, the druid was gone and Merlin was alone again. But the boy had pulled him out of his thoughts, so he put his knife back into his belt and began the long trek back home. Not in too much of a hurry of course, hoping Gaius would turn in before he made it home.   
Arthur was watching for him at the gate, “how did you know I would be here?”   
“Well, I came ‘round and Gaius said you had gone out. Of course I checked the tavern first but-“ Merlin shoved him playfully. “I don’t go to the tavern.”   
“Mhm,” Arthur said drawing himself tall and smirking. “Oh no, you’re right. You take much better care of yourself Right devoted temple you are.”  
“You’re right,” Merlin said pushing past Arthur and stepping into the city. “Must be I’m getting a little stressed, working too hard for such a clotpole,” he turned and winked.   
Arthur pushed him this time and Merlin didn’t quite catch the sob of pain before it escaped his lips.   
Arthur’s attitude changed almost immediately.   
“Merlin,” he whispered.   
Merlin dreaded the pained expression on Arthur’s face, knowing he cause it. Knowing that that look would add fuel to the fire already slowly burning that would fuel the next attack on himself. It had become a vicious cycle and Merlin had no idea how to escape it.   
“They’re fresh, aren’t they? That’s what you’ve been doing out here, isn’t it?”   
Merlin bit his lip instead of responding.  
Arthur took two steps and was right by him, he took his arm into his hands and he didn’t pull away so Arthur kept going, slowly peeling back Merlin’s sleeve to reveal a ragged collection of spider-webbed cuts, dried blood still clinging to the crevices it had escaped from.  
Arthur gasped and stared into Merlin’s eyes and Merlin’s heart sank, there it was. The pain again.   
Merlin longed to reach for his knife or rake his fingernails down his skin or at the very least peel a few of these new wounds back open, but he kept still, for Arthur’s sake, knowing full well he’d do all of it when he returned home.  
“They’re so deep,” Arthur observed dumbly.   
“I’ll be fine,” Merlin said suddenly remembering where he was and what was happening, tugging his arm away and rolling down his sleeve.   
“It’s getting worse,” Arthur nodded with a look.  
“I have it under control,” Merlin replied evenly holding his gaze.  
Arthur didn’t argue the matter any further, knowing that Merlin needed to want help before anything Arthur could do would make any difference.  
“I have to work early in the morning as I’m sure you’re aware,” Merlin said pulling Arthur back from his thoughts.  
“Oh right, well…don’t be late…” Arthur responded lamely, he tried his best to wrap a softer emotion into the words so that Merlin might find it packaged in but either Arthur wasn’t good at speaking or Arthur wasn’t good at listening. It was probably both.  
Merlin trekked back into the city alone as Arthur stood in the shadows watching him go. Both whispered, “I love you,” under their breathe when they were sure the other was out of ear shot.   
…  
Arthur was awake for hours after the encounter with Merlin, the sight seared into his mind. How did he allow Merlin to become so broken right under his nose?   
He breathed a shaky sigh of relief when the sun finally shone through his window. He had been only moments from testing this addiction of Merlin’s, just to see what it was that drew him back to it so forcefully every now and again. But now with the sun up it would only be minutes before Merlin would be there. Everything always seemed better when Merlin showed up.   
The knock came right on schedule, but Arthur ignored it, pretending to be asleep. He didn’t want Merlin to know just how difficult the night had been, knowing that his gorgeous, stupid servant would only blame himself.   
Moments later, Arthur heard the door open and he could smell his breakfast. He opened his eyes slowly in an effort to look like he had just woken up.   
He sat up immediately at the sight of a servant who was decidedly NOT Merlin standing by his bedside offering breakfast.   
Arthur eyed the servant with caution and said, “erm, where’s Merlin?”   
“No one knows,” the servant said  
“You mean to tell me he’s missing?” Arthur asked, standing angrily to his feet, “and yet no one thought to wake me, or to ring the warning bell or…anything?!”   
“You’re majesty, it was decided that as he is but a servant-“   
“YOU’RE JUST A SERVANT!” Arthur yelled at the boy, “Merlin is…Merlin,” he said. He felt the fight leave him when he remembered just how broken Merlin had been lately. He must know, eventually he is going to have to follow his scent until the trail grows cold. But for now Merlin is alive. Both alive and dead until Arthur knows for sure.   
As far as Arthur is concerned, he’ll remain alive until he’s finished hunting down the pieces.  
“Take that back to the kitchen, I’m not hungry,” Arthur instructed the servant as he hastily dressed himself and ran out the door. It took everything in him to keep from yelling Merlin’s name down the corridors and then the streets as he ran.   
Finally he reached the physicians abode and began pounding at the door.  
“Gaius, it’s Arthur. Please let me in. Please! Please tell me he’s here, he didn’t show up this morning…”  
The door swung open and Arthur practically fell on the physician, “is he?” The look in Gaius’ eyes betrayed nothing. “Please, please just tell me he’s alive…” Arthur asked feeling weak in the knees.  
“He was gone when I woke, he left his room entirely empty save this letter. It’s addressed to you. I was going to deliver it however there seems to be no need as you’re already here. Take it, it’s yours. I haven’t read it.” Gaius said, pushing it into his hands.   
Arthur could feel a knot growing in his stomach, “And Arthur,” Gaius caught his attention before he began panicking, “I know you care about Merlin, I know how often you take care of him in ways I cannot. I have learned something through years of helping sick people, some people do not want to be saved. We cannot blame ourselves for that.”   
Arthur sighed at the old man’s advice, did he truly find Merlin too far gone? He very suddenly remembered the letter in his hands and tore into it, his hands started shaking the moment he saw the blood on the parchment.


	3. Be Careful Emrys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only a fool truly believes they can walk away from their destiny though, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
>  This fic contains graphic depictions of self harm.   
> Please DO NOT read if this could be triggering to you.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING  
>  This chapter contains suicidal thoughts. If this will be triggering to you,  
> please DO NOT read

Chapter 3

 

Merlin’s hand shook and he couldn’t keep the paper steady, it was easy to write his thoughts when his pen was a little sharper, his paper more likely to bleed. But it was an entirely new pain to write his pain in a language anyone could understand.  
My Prince,  
It is with a heavy heart that I report no change in my current state aside from growing worse and worse, a change I know you were most likely expecting but nevertheless dreading. It is with careful consideration that I have chosen you to be the first to know, you were the only one to know of any of this and so it seems perhaps most fitting that you be the one to know this.  
Merlin winced, knowing how much pain this will cause his closest friend, no stranger to the ability to blame yourself for something entirely beyond your control.   
I have decided to leave Camelot, I believe it is for the best. I am nothing but a nuisance to Gaius and a nuisance to you. It is a foolish servant indeed who pines away for his master. Perhaps it is brash of me to write this and perhaps you do not care however I must finally speak my mind. It may never have mattered, but I loved you Arthur Pendragon. I would say I am sorry for this but truly I believe it to be for the best. Please do not try and follow me, I do not wish to be found. In time you will see, it’s best this way. 

Merlin bit his lip to keep the tears at bay and cursed the blood creeping from his wrists, it made him look so much more desperate and pathetic than this was. So he was leaving, big deal.   
Yours truly,  
Merlin  
He signed and picked up the bag packed with the same meager possessions he had when he first came to Camelot. “Goodbye my prince,” he said pressing the parchment to his lips before quietly exciting the room and escaping into the late night streets, out of the gate and away from the city. The stars his only witnesses.   
XXX

Arthur’s tears dripped on to the parchment in practically the same place Merlin’s had fallen. It was just like that then, Merlin was gone.   
Arthur crumpled the paper and clenched his jaw, he was too stubborn to just accept that. He turned on his heel and sped out of the room, leaving Gaius to pick up the parchment and discover what he already had.  
“Hold on Merlin,” he whispered to himself as he passed through the citadel, pulling up his hood as he exited the city, “I’m coming.” 

XXX

Merlin walked slowly, laden down by his heavy heart. He could hear the dragon’s voice flooding his mind even now, “turn back.” “Your destiny…” But he tuned it out and swallowed the lump rising in his throat, reasoning that if magic’s acceptance in Camelot was truly written in the stars than it could come about with or without him. Lately without him had seemed the best way to get anything done, he was constantly disappointing Arthur. Of course, during this disappointment saving the prince’s life and then covering it but Arthur didn’t know that, Arthur couldn’t know that. It was for that reason, Merlin left.  
The forest was quiet at this time of day, too late for the respectable travelers to be out and too dark for the bandits to have set up for the night. Merlin knew he only had so much time before the wood became unsafe but he was unworried. No sword would ever be any match for the flick of gold in his eyes.   
Merlin knew that Arthur wouldn’t have heeded the warning he left in his note and so was careful to cover his trail, almost hoping that the prince would assume the worst and decide he didn’t want to know.   
But that wasn’t who Arthur was and it never would be, Merlin knew that.   
He stopped in his tracks when his mind finally made a painful connection. Arthur was never going to stop searching for him, hoping to find him…unless he realized why Merlin couldn’t be found…” Merlin stopped covering his tracks so well now, leaving a bit of a trail to find should Arthur be searching for him.   
He knew the law possibly better than anyone else, should who he was be discovered, he would be put to death. He could no longer bring himself to care, briefly wondering if perhaps that might be better for his prince if he was gone.   
“Emrys…” the boy fell into step beside him at the same time he realized he was there.   
“Mordred,” he said curtly as his only response.  
“I trust that tonight finds you in better health since the last time we met,” Mordred said with his sharp penetrating stare.   
Merlin felt something tighten in his chest at the thought of the boys care, he smiled distantly as if at a memory and said, “that it does.”   
Mordred smiled and continued walking by Merlin. If he sensed the young Warlock’s lack of direction he said nothing, instead choosing to note casually, “it’s growing dark.”   
“Not to worry,” Merlin said with a laugh. “I’m sure bandits of any sort would find quite the unaccounted for fight between the two of us.”   
Mordred smiled at this, knowing the truth in his friends words. “Be that as it may, I was thinking more practically that we might need light. I can’t see.”   
“Oh of course,” Merlin said casually flicking his hand in front of him and catching a glowing ball that looked like it would be warm to the touch, but he didn’t flinch. “Will that do?” he asked Mordred, smiling as the boy stared at the ball, frustrated that his own magic was not quite so honed.   
Arthur gasped from between the trees and immediately bit his lip, Mordred’s head snapped up at the sound, glancing around his surroundings. Arthur slipped back into the shadows trying and failing to catch his breath.   
Merlin had magic.  
Magic, the evil thing that had killed his mother and turned his father into the monster he was. The thing that needed to be eradicated through death no matter what the cost.   
Merlin, his beloved servant…his trusted friend, the scrawny boy with mountain ranges for cheek bones and oceans for eyes, the boy who could do no harm.  
It felt like everything in his world had just been blown apart and now all of the pieces refused to fit back together.   
He gasped again and placed his hand over his heart to convince himself it was still beating.  
“Arthur”  
He froze when he heard his name, flattening himself against the trees.  
“So you disagree with the prophecy then?” Mordred was asking.  
Arthur breathed a sigh of relief when he realized they hadn’t discovered him.  
“I believe that if that which is written in the stars will truly come to pass, the stars can manage it without me. If Arthur is truly the gateway to magic being free in Camelot I fear my betrayal will only work against his fate. You may one day see a Camelot that accepts, dare I say even embraces magic, Mordred. It is with a heavy heart that I admit, I have lost my faith in ever seeing it.”  
All the pieces fit together suddenly and Arthur felt as if he had been stabbed. The things he had said to Merlin about magic…the disgust…the hatred…and all the while, Merlin had pretended to agree. ‘for the sake of Camelot’ he used to say. But what about for his sake?   
Merlin had braved it all with a smile, pretending that Arthur wasn’t the cause for each gash on his wrist. 

XXX

“Give Arthur a chance,” Mordred said before quickening his step to walk a ways in front of Merlin.

“I have, you know,” Merlin called after him, “I’ve gotten so close, so many times. But he has enough trouble in his life. It’s easier for him if he thinks he’s just got a lazy incompetent servant who spends all of his free time in the tavern…never mind that I’m usually off saving his life…” Merlin faded to a whisper when he realized Mordred had already gone.

‘Be careful Emrys…’ he heard Mordred’s voice in his mind as he looked around the clearing, but he found himself alone.

“I’ll be careful alright, that’s all I’ve ever been, careful. Well I’ve certainly been careful enough, I’ll take care about this I will…” he muttered to himself sinking against a tree and pulling out his knife.   
He turned the knife in his hands mechanically, betraying no emotion when the blade slipped and swiped dangerously close to his skin.  
It started small, like it always did. Like an itch that you could probably reach but didn’t feel a need to, not yet. But as most itches do, it grew and grew until Merlin couldn’t bite his lip hard enough to bite it back.   
He placed the blade to his wrist and sighed heavily, this was the right decision. He knew Arthur would see that one day. He sliced the blade across his wrist, not quite deep enough to catch a vein but getting ever closer.   
He paused for a moment to watch the blood run down his arm; it was soothing in a way. He placed the knife in position to drag across the same spot again only to freeze when he rusting in the brush and then an unmistakable voice.  
One he wasn’t sure he had wanted to ever hear again but he couldn’t stop the warm feeling that spread in his stomach.

“Merlin…please…stop.”

Arthur had found him, he thought with a shaky breath of relief.  
Then he remembered the orb of light still floating right by him.   
Shit.  
Arthur had found him.


	4. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You think you know people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> This fic contains graphic depictions of self harm. if this will be triggering to you, DO NOT read

Chapter 4

It was an image that would haunt Arthur’s dreams for the rest of his life. Merlin’s pale skin practically glowing in the light of the orb, the blood trickling down his arm and the bitter, bitter way he was smiling at it. He looked as if all of his pieces suddenly fell back together in all the wrong places. Arthur knew the look well because he felt the same way. 

“I don’t suppose you’d allow me to do your job for you just this once,” Merlin said quietly staring at his feet.

“My job?” Arthur asked.

“You’ve just discovered me practicing sorcery, by law of Camelot I should be put to death,” Merlin said looking up at Arthur with sad eyes, the last spark spent on the challenge.

“Oh…” Arthur whispered when he finally realized just what Merlin was suggesting. 

“For all we know, I’ve already done it…” Merlin said, gesturing to his wrist which continued to drip. 

“I cannot let you die any more than I can kill you,” Arthur said decidedly, tearing a bit of fabric from the bottom of his tunic and wrapping it tightly around Merlin’s wrist.

“Then you would go back on your word, you would break the law of Camelot?” Merlin asked, refusing to look Arthur in the eye for fear he would betray the small hope that was growing.

“I would follow that which I have discovered in my heart to be true. My father will one day pass and his crown will be mine. When that time comes, I plan to write new laws and get rid of others. This can be one of them, Merlin.” Arthur wanted to bite his lip but pushed through anyways, determined to say his piece, “I cannot change the hate in my father’s heart nor erase the hurt he has caused, but I can give you my word on one thing, when I am King, magic will be allowed to live and flourish in Camelot. And I want you to be around to see it.” 

The last bit might have been unnecessary but Arthur couldn’t help it, he wanted Merlin to know just how long he’d been there…how much he’d heard.

“But it’s not, not right now…” Merlin said, slowly lifting his head to look into Arthur’s eyes and swallowing nervously when he realized just how close the prince was, his hand still wrapped around Merlin’s wrist protectively. “Even as we speak your father rounds up innocent people, women and children…and kills them. Even now he would kill me,” Merlin clenched his fists to try and hide how his arms were shaking.

“Why did you learn it, Merlin?” Arthur asked suddenly, just above a whisper to try to keep his voice from breaking… “You knew the law, my father…”

Merlin couldn’t hold back the tears from this, briefly wishing that this was something he could unlearn, but this was who he was. “It’s not like that,” Merlin said slowly, “you have to believe me.”

“Then what is it like?” Arthur asked.

Merlin’s breath caught again, this was his chance to explain how his having magic was never an intentional act of betraying Arthur. He had practiced this moment in his mind over and over, but he never believed he would get the chance. 

“I never practiced magic,” Merlin said slowly, he had tasted the words before of course but now he considered how they might taste to Arthur.  
“You had to at some point-“ Arthur was gesturing to the ball of light that still hovered beside them as they spoke, finally removing his hand from Merlin’s wrist as if just now sure that the bandage would hold.  
“I was born with it.” Merlin cut him off.

The confession hung between them like a thick curtain. Merlin held his breath as Arthur worked out what he had said.

“Born with it?” was all Arthur could manage. And then, quite unexpectedly he was pulling Merlin into a hug, and Merlin was hugging back. 

“But I’ve lied to you,” Merlin said minutes later when they finally pulled apart, both with tears in their eyes. 

“I understand, friend,” Arthur said placing his hands on Merlin’s shoulders. “You have done only what had to be done, I admire your patience as well as your humility.” 

Merlin laughed to himself, they were in the forest because he had run off after failing to kill himself properly. That hardly seemed to paint him as a patient man.

“And,” Arthur continued, “I am deeply grieved for the ways I have hurt you. I have talked brashly about magic, echoing the harsh opinions of my father instead of forming opinions of my own. Regardless of what I have said speaking as a fool, I do not hate you for anything. I never will,” he whispered that last bit as if it were a secret so strictly meant for just the two of them that he couldn’t dare let even the trees catch a hint. 

Before Merlin knew what was happening Arthur had taken his arm and then his wrist, his bloody, scarred, mangled, disgusting wrist, and it was against the prince’s lips. And Arthur was kissing his wrist and his arm and crying and so Merlin began crying and then hugged Arthur, pulling him closer to his chest to get him to just stop kissing or touching or looking at the stupid cuts. 

It could’ve been over then. It could’ve been over and Merlin would have been fine. He still would have to hide and others just like him would still die, but he would have sight of the day when all of that would end. But no, it couldn’t end so easily. Arthur couldn’t take the hint and just let it end for now.

“You know,” Arthur said abruptly standing and motioning for Merlin to slide over to make room for Arthur to sit down with him instead of in front of him, “there’s one more thing I think we need to discuss.”

Merlin’s breath hitched as he saw the perplexed expression on Arthur’s face. This was it, he thought, this was the moment Arthur would wake up and realize what he’s saying. This was the moment he would be condemned for having magic.   
He sighed and let his head hang between his knees, waiting for that final blow.

The blow felt surprisingly similar to his friend’s arm coming to rest over his shoulder and leaning in closer. “It’s about your letter, the one other thing it addressed…” Arthur said with a wolfish grin.  
Catching his tone, Merlin sat up to shoot him a look when he realized just what that confession had been.

“oh…OH,” he said, his voice catching in his throat. “I…haven’t we dealt with enough of my stupid confessions for a night? Can’t this be a discussion for another day?”  
Merlin refused to look Arthur in the eye.

“If you would like to pretend that you never said anything, I can do that for you…” Arthur said slowly, practically feeling the tension drop as Merlin let out a sigh of relief. 

“But that doesn’t change the fact that I have a confession to make. “

Merlin shoved Arthur, playfully indignant about this loophole. He looked away and smiled, trying to look like he didn't care one way or the other what Arthur was about to say. Never mind the way the tips of his ears were turning pink at the thought of what might be in the prince's mind right this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Currently at a place where this story could go in a number of directions and still eventually fall into where I have planned for it. If you have ideas or maybe a scene you'd like to see, message me at redeemedbywater.tumblr.com and I'll see what I can do. Thank you so much for everyone who's read this far. Comments are always super helpful and appreciated. Thank you!**


	5. Free Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

Chapter 5

Merlin's heart was pounding so loud he could feel it on his face, practically see it in his veins. Arthur had confessed feelings quite similar to what Merlin himself felt. It felt better than good, it felt right. It felt like he was finally able to set down something rather heavy he'd been carrying for too long and get his good first breath in a long time. Arthur knew everything, the harm, the magic, the love... nothing could go wrong.

The conversation ended with Arthur’s face only centimeters from Merlin’s, so close he could smell soap and the faint traces of sweat still clinging to his neck from a rough day of running drills in the field.   
The prince’s eyes were closed and his lips searching for Merlin when Merlin heard in his mind,   
“Don’t be a fool, Emrys.” 

His eyes snapped open and he felt his heart tearing at the sight of the prince finally embracing him for who he was. 

“I can’t,” he said with a sigh before pulling away from Arthur. 

“Why not?” Arthur asked.

 

“Because,” Merlin said thinking quickly, how much of the truth could he fit in? “Because it’s…not right. You’re the prince and I’m only a serving boy. You’d be laughed out of the crown.”  
Arthur laughed outright at this, “Will I now?” Merlin hated the way the man’s eyes sparkled.

“Don’t laugh, it’s not funny,” Merlin said sulkily. 

“Honestly Merlin, you can tell me the truth. I do know when you’re lying,” Arthur said eying him.

It was Merlin’s turn to laugh at this, “I served you with magic for three years right under your nose and you never even guessed at it,” he deadpanned, allowing himself to briefly get lost in the moments of this ending dream where Arthur knew everything and wasn’t mad. 

Arthur laughed alongside him and Merlin envied every breath of air that passed through Arthurs lips. His thin, soft, warm, ever-pouting lips. He had been so close to tasting those lips, but none of it was real, and he couldn’t do that to Arthur. 

“What’s wrong?” Arthur asked, sensing Merlin’s distance. 

“Nothing I just, have to do something before I come back tonight. Thank you for finding me…I feel much better. I hope one day we may discuss this final thing again…” Merlin walked away briskly, leaving the orb of light floating by Arthur and walking into the shadows, praying that Arthur would let it go for now.

Finally, he calmed his anger long enough to open his mind and talk to Mordred. “What. Did. You. Do?” 

XXX

Mordred was proud of himself despite Emrys’ disproval. The plan that was in place was taking too long and besides, he hadn’t really changed anything. Just sped things up is all.   
The feelings thing was unfortunate, he had no clue how Emry’s felt towards Arthur…but he was going to have to get over that. Uther was dying and Arthur was soon to assume the crown. There could be no question as to his word on magic. The prophecy had taken too long, and time had run out.

“It was simple really,” Mordred said to Merlin, “all I had to do was enchant him to share all of your views. Just like that, he supports magic just as fervently as you do.”   
The words were no sooner out of his mouth than he found himself flying backwards. His spine made a sickening crack as he hit a tree before falling to the ground.

“Sorry Mordred,” Emrys said, rubbing at his arms uncomfortably. In a perfect circle around him, the grass had been flattened. 

Mordred shrugged it off, this was the wizard equivalent to punching a wall or something equally trivial. 

“This fulfills nothing you know, it’s only going to cause trouble,” Emrys said slowly. 

“Arthur has given his word, magic is to be allowed in Camelot one day.”

“Magic has always been destined to return to Camelot,” Emrys argued.

“Yes but now Arthur knows about you personally, you no longer have to hide.”

“No, no he doesn’t,” Merlin said shaking his head. “He doesn’t know about me, not really, not at all. And the prophecy is about Arthur being the once and future king of Camelot, not just the gateway to bringing magic back!”

“Don’t you want magic back in Camelot?” Mordred asked. 

“Yes, but I also want Arthur back in Camelot, the real Arthur.”

Their eyes met for what felt like an eternity before Mordred finally lowered his gaze.   
“I’m not sure the prophecy will work anymore Emrys,” he said quietly to his feet. 

Merlin’s eyes narrowed, waiting for Mordred to explain himself.

“It’s just that…the Arthur you remember, the one with the making of a great king…I’m not sure that Arthur exists anymore.”

Merlin bit his lip but knew Mordred was probably right, Arthur hadn’t been himself in a while, but Merlin had blamed himself, just like he always did, just like he always would.  
“How long has he been under your enchantment?”

Mordred looked at Merlin softly, as if a harsher gaze might break him, before finally saying, “sit down.”

Merlin grunted in frustration, this night was becoming far too much sitting and talking for his liking. He was momentarily relieved when he heard a rustling in the trees.   
‘Bandits’ they both said into the others mind and darted for the shadows.  
They hid in a space under an uprooted tree and held their breath, not because they couldn’t fight the bandits if it came down to it of course but because it really wasn’t worth the trouble if they could help it. 

Merlin smiled uncomfortably at Mordred, trying and failing to make their cramped quarters less awkward.

“Do you still want to know? About Arthur I mean,” Mordred whispered.

‘Arthur,’ Merlin thought as he rose abruptly and darted into the trees, Arthur was probably still alone in these woods, he had to warn him or help him.   
‘For another time then?’ Merlin heard Mordred’s words in his mind as he ran,   
‘something like that,’ he thought back. 

XXX

Arthur had practiced drills with his men all day and so was exhausted by the time he found himself walking back to Camelot, alone. Exhausted physically from drilling his men and emotionally spent from talking with Merlin, so when he heard the rustle of footsteps behind him, he was quick to slide towards the shadows, intent on avoiding conflict.

They were quicker. 

A hand clutched around his shoulder and he held back a grimace of the memory it produced, he lifted his chin to meet his attacker’s eye and his eyes widened.   
“Kind of like seeing a ghost, isn’t it?” The man asked with a hesitant laugh and Arthur choked out a shaky laugh in response.   
“Well Merlin sure will be happy to see you” was all Arthur could say.


	6. Chapter 6

Chp 6

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Merlin thought to himself as he ran back towards where he had last seen Arthur. He had left the prince alone in a dangerous wood alone with a glowing orb, as if a beacon, “helpless idiot. All yours.” 

It was the emotions, the hurt and the anger at Mordred’s meddling, that’s what had caused him to be so distracted and makes such a terrible judgment. He could almost blame Mordred for it all if he didn’t know better, but the blame didn’t matter. He needed to find Arthur.

He could feel the pull of the magic, it gravitated him to the orb which was now floating alone. The orb would only detach itself from someone if it were safer that that someone was covered by darkness.  
“Please be okay,” Merlin whispered before flicking the ball out of existence and starting back towards Camelot, praying that that was where Arthur had headed even after losing the light.  
He stopped when he saw two figures a ways ahead of him in another clearing. It looked to be Arthur and…another man.

Merlin stiffened in fear at first but then those feelings gave way to something else when he realized that the men were in an intense conversation. Merlin shouldn’t feel anything. Arthur’s confession from earlier was only an enchantment talking after all, but he still couldn’t help feeling just a little disappointed. Enchanted or not, Arthur thinks he’s just confessed his feelings for someone. Merlin never knew the prince to be so behind on loyalty.

Merlin turned away as Arthur and the stranger embraced.   
He had meant to walk back to Camelot with Arthur, but it appeared that Arthur could take care of himself. Plus one, Merlin thought bitterly. 

XXX

“Did you hear something?” Arthur asked and looked around the clearing, “I could’ve sworn that was Merlin coming back.”

“I’m sure I’ll see him soon,” the other man said with a smirk and Arthur laughed.

“Well come on then,” the prince said, “let’s get you to Camelot. I don’t suppose you told anyone you were coming?”

“I didn’t entirely plan on coming, your Highness…” he flashed another smile.

“You’re going to have a to explain that a bit more later,” Arthur said putting his arm around him, “but for now I’m just too relieved to see you to bother questioning you.”

“Believe me, waking up was one of the most relieving things ever. I plan to tell you all about it.”

The city gate opened painfully slowly, it had gotten so late that the sun was beginning to kiss the leaves. Arthur could feel the lack of sleep in his bones and felt apologetic even as he said, “go to Gaius’, he’ll be able to house you for however long you plan to stay in Camelot. I regret I cannot be a more gracious host however I have pressing matters to attend to.”  
'Like sleep' he thought to himself. 

XXX

Merlin had heard the knock the first time, but refused to answer it. He didn’t have anything to say to Arthur, let alone this shell of an enchanted Arthur. He was so mad at himself now that he had had time to think about it. The signs were all there, they had been there for a long time. Arthur hadn’t mentioned anything he truly enjoyed or feared or loved or hated for a long time. He had only discussed politics and drills and things about what would one day be his job. He hadn’t even complained to Merlin about his father for a long time and God knows those issues would never truly leave Arthur’s life, not until Uther Pendragon was dead. 

Tears rolled onto Merlin’s bed as he thought of all the ways he had failed Arthur by being too busy trying to put himself back together instead of watching for when Arthur started falling apart.   
It wasn’t until the third incessant knock that Merlin finally got up to tell Arthur to leave him alone.

His rage evaporated the moment he opened the door.

“…Will?” he whispered.   
His eyes watered as his childhood friend stepped through the door and pulled him into a warm embrace, proving that he was no phantom or work of overactive imagination powered by lack of sleep. 

“I’m here Merlin, and from the looks of it…just in time,” he said cradling Merlin’s head to his chest and holding him.   
Merlin smiled and sank into his friends hug, Will had always known what he needed. 

There were of course questions to be asked, but those could wait til morning, he decided, setting out a pallet for his friend and turning in for the night.   
“You’ll certainly be a surprise for Gaius in the morning,” Merlin called to Will, chuckling to himself as he laid down in his bed. 

He was still smiling as he drifted off to sleep, and the nightmares still came…but they didn’t hurt as much this time around. Everything was wrong still of course, but with Will showing up Merlin was certainly beginning to wonder, was there hope after all?


	7. This Isn't Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many loose ends.
> 
> Merlin and Gaius start asking important questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> this chapter deals very briefly with a panic attack. If this could be triggering to you, please skip the bit where Merlin is leaving Arthur's chambers and pick it back up at the next row of X's. 
> 
> Stay safe.<3

Chapter 7 This Isn’t Real

Gaius was at the table pouring over his textbooks and Merlin was pacing around in his nervous way, fingers pressed to his lips. It was convenient perhaps for both of them that Will had turned up last night, it saved them from a rather awkward conversation about Merlin’s leaving the night before. 

“There’s got to be another explanation,” Merlin said with finality, “this isn’t some spirit borrowing Will’s body, this is will. How could that be? I watched him die!” he said growing emphatic. 

“Yes, and there remains every possibility that he is dead, Merlin. Keep your wits about you,” Gaius warned, shaking his head and focusing his magnifying glass over a group of runes. 

Merlin glanced at the sleeping figure as it began to stir, “he’s waking Gaius, let’s put this stuff away. I’ll distract him and we can learn more after I wake Arthur.”

XXX

Arthur was awake and waiting for Merlin again and he was doing his absolute best not to worry about his servant. Merlin was coming today. He had to. There was still so much more to be said between then. He wasn’t quite sure when he had started seeing his servant and friend as something so much…more, but he had this burning sensation in his gut that Merlin must know about it in its entirety. Last night they had spoken about it briefly, but he hadn’t told Merlin everything, not how he truly felt.

“Merlin!” he shouted when he heard the knock at the door. 

Merlin’s head popped in before the rest of him and he said with a smile, “who else would it be?” 

“Well, you might find it interesting to note that they do have a back-up in case you don’t bother to show up. But I yelled at him quite a bit yesterday so he’s probably not too excited to take over again any time soon.”

Merlin laughed and Arthur smiled.

“I’m glad you seem to be faring better today, friend.”

Merlin kept his smile plastered to his face and nodded, muttering, “you have no idea,” as he turned to set up Arthur’s breakfast.

“I sent you a present last night by the way,” Arthur said coyly, refusing to meet Merlin’s eye and waiting for Merlin to figure out just what he was talking about.  
“An old friend?” he hinted after Merlin had struggled for a while. 

“Ohhh,” Merlin felt his cheeks turning red, of course Arthur had seen Will last night. Will was the stranger that Arthur had been embracing.  
“Merlin?” Arthur said, drawing his name out in a deep voice.

Merlin looked up very suddenly aware he had been staring at his shoes. 

Arthur laughed and threw a grape at him, “I have meetings to attend to today, and I’ll need my best clothes. There’s someone I’d like to impress,” Merlin’s heart hurt as Arthur winked. 

His heart was still racing when he picked up the breakfast tray to take back down to the kitchen. 

He leaned against the door as it shut behind him and tried to steady his breathing. His hands were shaking.  
“This isn’t real,” he whispered to himself. “This isn’t real!” 

“What’s that Merlin?” Gawain asked. 

Merlin could’ve kicked himself, he shouldn’t have said anything. Not out loud.  
“N-n-no-nothing, thanks,” Merlin responded unconvincingly. 

“Merlin,” Gawain said softly, “you’re shaking.”

“No reason for it, nothing you can do,” Merlin said with a smile.

He tried to dart away but Gawain caught him by the arm. “How often do you have attacks like this, Merlin?” he was still speaking in a soothing tone but his eyes were firm, waiting for an answer.

Finally Merlin hung his head in defeat, “a few years now,” he admitted.

“I suppose it cannot be an easy task, taking care of a prince who will one day be a king.” 

“You’re telling me, mate,” Merlin tried with a pained smile.

That seemed to satisfy Gawain, and with a firm clap on the shoulder he left Merlin to finish breaking down alone. In a better mindset, Merlin might have reached out to Gawain, let him know that he really shouldn’t be alone right now. But there was a weight on his chest that was making it difficult to breathe, let alone speak. And besides, even if he could speak what was there to say? How could he possibly explain any of this to anyone. How could he explain that all of his wishes had come true overnight, but none of it was real. How could he explain that to preserve Camelot and fulfill his destiny, he was going to have to ruin everything. 

He sighed and forced himself to smile again as he made his way back down to the kitchen. The cook seemed to always be in a terrible mood and it really wouldn’t do him any good to annoy her further.   
“The prince sends his thanks,” Merlin called as both a greeting and a farewell, leaving the dirtied dish on the counter and running back up the stairs before she could decide she had something to say.

XXX

Gaius sat across the table from Will entirely dumbfounded. 

“William,” he said again, making a sweeping gesture with both hands, “what a lovely, unexpected…surprise…” 

Will laughed good naturedly before saying, “no need to pretend, Gaius.” 

Gaius was genuinely perplexed at this, “and just what might I be pretending?” he asked, folding his hands in front of himself.

“Do you take me for a fool?” Gaius stiffened but Will only laughed more, “I was dead, Gaius. For all you and I and anyone else knows, I was dead and buried and gone. Now here I am, in the flesh, exactly as how you remember me. You cannot tell me that does not seem slightly suspicious to you.”

Gaius chuckled, “I do find it suspicious, of course I do, William. But there is no denying that you are certainly you. So I suppose that leads my suspicious elsewhere. Who brought you back? And why?” 

“I don’t know that,” Will said with a shrug.   
Gaius pursed his lips and tried to hide the worry in his eyes. Maybe he could just let this go for awhile, let Will delight in being back. Heaven knows Merlin had needed a friend…  
But Merlin never really got over losing Will the first time. To lose him again might break the last of him.

Finally, Gaius asked, “ I know you cannot tell me who woke you…but what happened exactly?

XXX

It wasn’t unlike coming back to the surface after spending a decent amount of time underwater. Will gasped and sputtered as his lungs burned, searching for oxygen for the first time in over a year. Panic and excitement blended together until they were indistinguishable. He had woken buried alive…but he had woken.   
Surprisingly, it didn’t take too much effort at all to climb out of what he discovered to have been his grave. 

The memories came flooding back in as he felt for a scar on his chest. He had been run through by a bandit’s sword. How was it that he was still alive?

His first instinct was to head towards his village, but he thought better of it after a step or two. Every one there knew, or well thought they knew, he was dead. He would be arrested for witchcraft and sorcery, even though he had done nothing but wake up. 

He waited in those woods for a few days to see if whoever or whatever had wanted him back alive would show themselves, but when after days no one came, he chalked it to a miracle and realize there was truly only one place he could go, only two or perhaps three people that would be genuinely happy to see him despite the suspicious circumstances.  
He headed towards Camelot the moment he thought about going, and never looked back. 

If he were to have looked back, he might have seen a pair of eyes watching him from the trees. He might have seen someone smile at his decision to step foot in Camelot.


	8. Strange Things Did Happen Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bits of Arthur's past begin to make sense, Merlin struggles with a tough decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> This chapter deals with abuse. The first segment down to the first row of X's is a scene of abuse and caring for abuse-related wounds. If this could be triggering to you, please skip down to the first row of X's.

Chapter 8

Arthur could feel nothing. Once, a long time ago, he might have felt scared or at least felt the pain. But he had learned to shut out that part of his mind. He fear may come later, he knew that. When he woke up bruised and bloody, but for now this was just another part of his life, another part of his duty.   
Merlin stood behind the curtains, quiet and invisible like a model of the perfect servant as the King left viscous bruises on the prince.   
Arthur had long since lost track of time when the edges of his vision finally grew fuzzy.

XXX

Arthur woke to a cold cloth on his forehead.  
Her jerked up suddenly and said, “I will not disappoint you again.”  
Merlin didn’t say anything but gently placed his fingers over the prince’s arm until finally Arthur calmed down enough to remember where he was.   
His shoulders sank and he let his head fall forward, “it happened again, didn’t it?” he asked in a voice that was beyond broken.   
“It’s not your fault, lay down. You need to heal,” Merlin soothed him.  
Arthur wanted to argue, he had to have done something. All of his life he’d been told that he always manages to deserve this. But Merlin placed a hand to his chest and gently lowered him back into bed.   
“It’s not,” Merlin said again, meeting his eye. “Get some rest okay, Doctor’s orders,” he said with a smirk. Merlin collected his medical supplies and left the room, trying not to let Arthur see the worry in his eyes.  
Arthur nodded, only half way listening before falling back to sleep.

XXX

Merlin was furious. 

With every step he took he plotted the exact demise of Uther Pendragon. It would of course be treason however he was already breaking the laws by being in Camelot at all.   
He left the royal chambers and went to visit the only living creature that would understand the choice he was forcing himself to make, and hopefully be able to tell him what to do. 

“You speak of treason young warlock, with anger in your veins,” Kilgharrah said in a deep gravelly voice. 

“Yes, I am angry,” Merlin said shaking, “I am angry that while the King bathes his bruised hands in cold water, the prince lies in bed with his nose bloodied and eyes all but swollen shut. Is my destiny not to protect Arthur from anything?"

“That is true, your destiny is a complex one indeed. It is a difficult thing when matters are for a time beyond our control.”

“But they’re not, I am more powerful than Uther could ever hope to be. I could kill him easily.” 

“Yes, but you must be wise Merlin. How do you think Arthur would feel about magic if he lost both of his parents to it?” 

“It would be a blessing to take his father,” Merlin countered, but his anger was fading.

“Familial bonds are stronger than you seem to remember, young Warlock. If you take them from him, magic will be dealt a blow it may never recover from.”   
Kilgharrah flew away at that and merlin stood in the corridor alone and annoyed. Why did the dragon insist on getting the last word?

XXX

Gaius returned home at the same time Merlin was putting his medicines away.

“Did we have a patient I was not aware of?” he asked by way of greeting.

“No, it’s been rather quiet around here lately, Will hasn’t even come back, I was just trying to memorize the names of the potions,” Merlin said absentmindedly. 

“No really, Gaius. I think I’m getting better at this. Who knows, maybe if one day I don’t have to babysit the future King I could study to be a real physician.

“That’s all very well and good, Merlin…but why have you got blood on your tunic?”

Merlin’s fake enthusiasm fell, “Arthur was hurt.”

“He could have contacted me, I would have come to help,” Gaius said finally stepping fully into the room and shutting the door.

“He didn’t want you to know,” Merlin said quietly, looking everywhere but at Gaius. 

“Why ever not,” Gaius asked with a laugh, “what wound could be so embarrassing that the prince would shy it away from even his own physician?” 

Merlin bit his lip and closed his eyes, leaning so far forward that he almost fell over before whispering: “the kind that are left there by the king.”

Gaius pursed his lips in response to this and said nothing else about it. Instead crossing the room to the medicine cabinet and helping Merlin put his potions in their right places.

On the other side of the door, standing in the street Will stood seething with realization. Arthur did always seem to have a few extra scrapes and bruises than the other boys when they were growing up. At the time of course he had thought nothing of it. But now everything made sense. And he knew what he had to do.


	9. Telling Arthur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's still a big issue going on that we've been forgetting about

Chapter 9

The servants of Uther Pendragon woke to find their king covered in blood, a single stab wound on his chest. The knife was resting on his open window sill on top of a scrap of parchment with four chilling words on it, “Long Live the King.”

It was decided that Merlin would be the one to tell Arthur, and there had been very few things in his life that he had dreaded more. He knew a little of the thoughts that might be raging in Arthur’s mind as he realizes he is finally free, and now also in position to assume the throne.   
Mordred had recently warned Merlin of the imminent change come to think of it. But Mordred could be dealt with later, right now Merlin needed to tell Arthur what had happened to the King.

“Your highness,” Merlin called softly as he opened the window. His breath caught as he saw a scrap of parchment on the windowsill, it was the same letter Arthur’s father had received that night.  
If the intruder had been in both rooms last night and only killed Uther, than their actions were not as a result of hating the Pendragons, but of hating Uther. The attacker could very well be in favor of the once and future King.   
Merlin shoved the scrap of parchment into the sleeve of his tunic before turning to see the prince squirming under his covers, an automatic reflex to the light.

“no,” he said.

“Arthur,” Merlin said with a laugh, “come on get up, you’ve got work to do.”

Merlin couldn’t help but smile at the little tuft of blond hair sticking out from beneath the covers.

“Fine,” Arthur groaned and moved his blanket and Merlin’s heart sank. 

Arthur’s lip was swollen and he had a black eye as well as blood matted in his hair from a cut that must have reopened during the night.   
There were a million ways to say what he needed to say, but the words all escaped him.

“Go on then,” Arthur said suddenly.

Merlin looked around completely caught off guard, trying to stammer of a witty response.

“What is it, Merlin? I can tell you have something on your mind. Otherwise you wouldn’t be staring at me like that so please speak your mind.”

Merlin chewed hard on his lip and finally managed to say, “it’s over, Arthur.”   
It was too vague, he knew Arthur hadn’t understood him…   
He crossed the room and sat down on the edge of Arthur’s bed, “I mean this…” he said gently touching his fingertips to the bruise around Arthur’s eye, “and this,” he said letting his touch fall to the prince’s lips.  
Arthur looked up at him with a sad form of hope in his eyes and said,

“what are you saying, Merlin?” the look crashed into Merlin like ocean waves and he was the sand being stolen by the sea.

“I’m saying that it’s over, never again will he hurt you.”

“How can you know this to be true? Because he speaks with remorse?” Arthur laughed almost bitterly, recalling all of the other times his father had promised him, ‘never again.’ 

“I know this to be true because he will not wake, Arthur. The king has died.” 

Merlin wasn’t sure what reaction he was expecting from Arthur, but it wasn’t the reaction he received.

Arthur sank back into his bed and said, in an almost uninterested tone, “oh, what happened?” 

“he was murdered in his bed while he slept,” Merlin answered, feeling the scrap of parchment from the prince’s window still in his sleeve.

“There were many of us looking forward to Uther dying,” Arthur said passively. 

Merlin nodded and Arthur smiled at him, “you worry because you think I will forget what you need,” he said very suddenly.   
Merlin had no clue what Arthur was talking about.  
“Not to worry, Mer. I’m not going back on my word. Magic will be lawful in Camelot soon.” 

Merlin almost bit through his lip. 

Right, Arthur was still under that stupid spell.


	10. Standing Opposite a Friend on the War Front

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betrayal taints the blood of even the best of men, and the death of that which holds us back can change us in ways we didn't know it would.

Chapter 10 

Camelot was under a lock down of the highest security while guards searched for the murderer. Perhaps Merlin was imagining it, but the widespread disdain for Uther seemed to have an effect on the response to his death. There were very few people that were visibly in mourning and even fewer who seemed to have paused their daily activities at all.

Fortunately for Arthur, he was really too busy to even think about mourning his father at the moment. He had only days to assume the throne and still much work to complete as the prince of Camelot. As well as a curse that needed lifting before he went out and attempted to change laws that were older than the land itself.   
Merlin scrubbed the floor of the princes quarters feverously as if they were the cause for all of the trouble lately and that if only he could get them clean enough everything would go back to normal. 

“Merlin,” Arthur called from the doorway. 

Merlin jumped and asked, “how long have you been standing there?” 

“Long enough to see that you’ve missed a spot or two,” Arthur said putting his foot on Merlin’s bucket of water and perching it so that it was dangerously close to spilling all over the floor he had just cleaned.

“Arthur, don’t you have work to do? God knows I do,” Merlin mumbled. 

“Really Merlin, you’ve got work to do, do you? I’m sure it’s pressing and urgent and of the utmost importance. Not like me, I’ve only got a kingdom to run. Plenty of time to waste comparing my duties with the duties of a servant,” he said kicking over the bucket so that dirty water ran all over the floor. 

Merlin sighed and stopped scrubbing to look up at Arthur, “I know you’re upset about the death of your father Arthur, and I know you’re not going to show anyone or tell anyone. You’re going to pretend you’re fine but we both know you’re not so sit down and talk to me…please?” 

“Merlin, haven’t you been listening? I’m busy, much too busy to sit around and talk about my feelings anyway. I have an entire kingdom to run!”   
With that Arthur stomped away, Merlin could tell because even full minutes later he could still hear the future kings boots stomping down the corridor. 

Merlin sighed again and surveyed the floor which he had had almost perfect until Arthur decided he needed to drop in for a chat. Then he did something a bit unusual: he smiled.   
Because even though Arthur was under a curse, and his father had just died, and Will was alive and he shouldn’t be, and Gaius and his relationship was in a weird place…Arthur was finally acting like himself again. And for Merlin, that made a difference. 

XXX

Every muscle in Merlin’s arms ached, scrubbing the floor in the prince’s quarters is no easy task on a good day, but to scrub it twice in the same day would prove a challenge for even the toughest man, and Merlin was far from that. He couldn’t even use magic to help himself because Arthur had kept darting in and out at the most random of times. Not that it really mattered given that Arthur supposedly knew about his magic, but Merlin didn’t feel right about taking advantage of the prince’s cursed state. In fact, he was on his way to meet with Mordred just now to see how he could change it. 

“You there, halt. How long have you been in the city?” A knight of Camelot stopped Merlin from getting out of the narrow gate which only few in the castle knew about and that he hoped would’ve been unguarded.

“Most of my life,” he replied quietly. 

“Have you ever been into the castle?” 

“I work there,” Merlin said again, smiling because he recognized the voice of the knight.

“Show yourself,” the knight said finally and so Merlin lowered his hood.

“Merlin!” Gawain said with a laugh, “well why didn’t you just lower your hood to begin with?” 

“Because that’s not what you asked me to do, I just wanted to follow orders,” Merlin said with a wink.

“Okay, well why do you think you need to leave the city, Merlin?” 

“I need healing plants, they’re for Gaius.” 

“I’m not supposed to let anyone back in once they leave, Merlin, so I really shouldn’t let you leave.” \

“Gawain if I don’t get this medicine than people could die. They’re urgent plants which must be gathered during the daytime. I don’t have time to debate this with you unfortunately, I’m going.” 

“Relax Merlin, I’m only playing with you. Be back before nightfall or I really can’t let you in though.” 

“Of course, sir.” Merlin winked again and left the city.

He couldn’t help himself from breathing a small sigh of relief when he was finally out of earshot of the gate, he needed to make it to Mordred and reverse this curse before Arthur proposed any changing of laws that could get him killed.   
Fear gripped at Merlin’s heart as he realized the things that Arthur could say now that he had confessed them to him. How could he have been so blind to not recognize when his prince wasn’t himself? How could he have been so thoughtless and careless?   
Even as he asked himself he knew the answer, because instead of focusing on his prince he had been focusing entirely on himself. Even though the focus was on how much he hated himself, it was still selfish of him to be so fixated. 

Mordred 

He whispered to the woods around him, spinning slowly in a circle to see if the boy was coming.

Mordred this is important, if you want magic to one day be alive in Camelot I need a favor from you

Merlin heard audible laughing coming from behind him and then Mordred spoke out loud, “Magic will soon be alive again in Camelot Merlin, and it had nothing to do with the prince that you would protect so eagerly with your life. A part of me wonders if you’re jealous that you hadn’t thought of this plan before I since now I will get all of the credit when our people are allowed to thrive within Camelot. Or perhaps there is a more, emotional, pain which this causes you. You knew the rules Merlin, a sorcerer cannot get emotionally invested within his games. When he does, he begins to lose.”

“It’s not a game!” Merlin snapped, “Your use of magic is the type of abuse which caused our people to be banned from Camelot years ago! Magic is a product of the earth, meant to help the earth and all of its children. Not to control people so that they’ll do what you want!” 

“Merlin, how do you of all wizards not recognize that we’re better? Those of us with magic, with powers, life is easier for us. We can see beyond what the others can see. We can feel the earth in ways they cannot. We are the supreme beings and as such should be in charge don’t you think?”

Mordred spoke calmly and coolly but Merlin could hardly believe what he was hearing, was this truly how his friend had thought all of these years? 

“You used me. To get close to him, I mean,” Merlin said slowly. 

“Merlin I have enjoyed our time spent together in the years after you saved me just as much as you. Whether or not during that time I have also learned from you the weaknesses of the king, well I find that part irrelevant.” 

Merlin’s eyes flashed gold and Mordred found himself in the air.

“I could drop you. I could drop you right now, you would die and no one would know.” 

“Yes, you could kill me in anger and fear at what you do not understand or do not want to see come to pass. However, we both know you won’t.”

“And just why do you think I’m bigger than that?” 

“Oh I don’t Merlin, I know you have every intention to kill me once I’m done speaking, however you might reconsider when I tell you that if you kill me, there is no chance of curing Arthur.” 

“Then how do I fix him?” 

“Fix what?” Arthur said from behind him.

Merlin turned startled and Mordred fell abruptly 

“Arthur! You’ve got to stop sneaking up on me like this, it’s a wonder really all of these years doing stuff like this behind your back and now you’ve caught me twice in the same week. Perhaps I’m getting more careless…” Merlin thought out loud.

“Merlin!” Mordred shouted as he used magic to steady himself and gently lowered himself to the ground. 

“Oh right, sorry Mordred,” Merlin turned to him and shot him an icy glare that told him that he wasn’t sorry for anything and was just putting on a show for the prince’s sake. 

“There are greater forces at work here than just you and I, Merlin. It’s about time the both of us pick a side. I fear war is coming, and worse, I fear we might be standing across from each other at its head.” 

Mordred was gone before Merlin had a response and instead he was left in the middle of the clearing with only the shell of a man that was currently his prince.


	11. Dolor Excepit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three words can carry a lot of weight.  
>  I love you. I forgive you. I hate you. I want you. you should die. You should stay. 
> 
> So does the burden on Merlin's shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING   
> this chapter contains graphic depictions of self-harm. If this will be triggering for you,  
> please stay safe and do not read.

Days had passed since Merlin's confrontation with Mordred and he had gotten no closer to uncovering the secret to regaining is prince. In fact instead of getting better, things were getting worse. He raced to the back of the castle, up the old servants steps and into the old servants quarters, a dusty old room which had sat abandoned for years. He had discovered it less than a fortnight ago when told to "go make yourself useful and find something to clean" and ever since it had become his private area to recuperate if things got too much to handle. And things had been too much to handle more and more recently it seemed. 

The room had been used for servants to stay in when work was still being done on the castle, but since that work had been long completed the room sat not only empty but entirely forgotten to everyone but Merlin. His breath was heavy, but not from running up the flight of stairs. In fact he hadn't quite been able to catch his breath all afternoon, not since Arthur had said it at least, those blasted three words. Damn Arthur, why did he have to say it. Damn Mordred! Merlin thought, if he had just waited for the prophecy to come to pass than Merlin wouldn't have to face this mirror of his innermost thoughts that used to be his prince. 

His fingernails raked into his skin to try to calm himself but the dull hint of pain offered no relief, "should've drank the poison when I had the chance," Merlin said to himself bitterly, and his voice echoed around the dusty room, It startled him to hear just how empty he sounded and he truly hoped that no one around him had noticed, he couldn't cause anyone pain. That would be too much for him and with his prince in danger now would not be the time to break. 

Nevertheless, Merlin found himself reaching for the knife that he had taken to wearing under his over-sized tunic. He turned it around and around in his hands for a moment, inspecting the blade as if he knew anything about weaponry. The knife had been a gift from Arthur, a thoughtful gesture wrapped in between the cruel words and playful blows Arthur always seemed to deal him. 

"I'm sorry, friend," Merlin whispered to the blade is if it were Arthur, as if apologizing for the betrayal he committed every time he wielded the knife would stop the guilt from clawing at his mind. 

XXX

"For protection," Arthur had said, flipping it to him with a nod. "You do know how to use it, right?" he asked when Merlin had stood staring at it for a few moments longer than he found entirely necessary. 

"Yes, of course," Merlin had said clearing his throat and fastening it to his belt. He subtly ran his hand over his thigh, thinking of the scars that were hidden there from years past. His struggle had been so long ago, surely possessing a knife like this couldn't be dangerous anymore...he could handle it, he would only protect himself with it, he promised to himself and silently to Arthur.

XXX

"For protection," Merlin whispered to the blade and then rolled up his sleeve, baring his forearm to the blade, "I'm protecting me from myself." 

The excuse was lame and Merlin knew it, but the pain would be enough to clear his mind of the mantra that rang about how useless, stupid, worthless, incompetent, foolish, lazy, every word was a fresh cut, every line an insult, every insult a mark. Some marks he traced over and over, they started off in even rows but as Merlin's panic grew more fierce so did the raggedness of the lines he was angrily carving into his skin. He had it under control he told himself, just like always. This was only to gain enough relief so that he could focus on the bigger issues at hand, he promised himself. 

Tears stung at the corners of his eyes from the pain but they would not spill, at one time that was because Merlin would not let them but now it was simply because he could no longer cry. He had suppressed that part of himself so deeply that now if he needed to let something out, he had to bleed. And bleed he did, beads formed from each incision, coating his knife in a thin sheet of red which he pressed back into his skin, leaving trails of blood along his arm, then his forearm, then his wrist... he stopped before he got too close to his veins. After all, Arthur still needed him. And although the prince had always been at least partially cause for his pain, now more than ever, damn it all if he still wasn't going to do all that he could to ensure that his prince remained safe. 

He rolled down his sleeve and put his knife back in it's sheath on his belt, breathing a sigh of what can only be described as relief although he felt far from entirely relieved. He sat down to wait for the blood to clot so he could go back to being verbally abused, mistreated, and unappreciated when realization struck him and he jumped up, pulling down his sleeve as he ran. Wide eyed and open mouthed he raced down the stairs back to Arthur's chambers. To his relief, the prince wasn't there. He immediately set to work emptying the prince's dresser, checking under the table, the chairs, behind the door, on the windowsill, behind the curtains, and then finally, finally, finally under the bed where he found the cause for Arthur's curse. A hex bag. 

He allowed himself the smallest of smiles at this, how could such a smart sorcerer like Mordred expect something so simple to rest under Merlin's nose without Merlin finding it? Then a lump caught in his throat as he realized that it had sat untouched by him for who knows how long. In fact, the only reason that he had thought to check for it was because an overly arrogant Mordred had all but told him it was there. 

He straightened the room with a flash of magic and left the princes quarters hurriedly, just in case Arthur came back and wanted to continue the conversation which Merlin had rushed out on earlier. 

XXX

At dinner that night, Merlin ate quickly, too preoccupied with what he had found in Arthur's quarters to remember that he no longer found himself worth food. 

"Merlin, slow down," Gaius tried but an anxious Merlin ignored him, shoveling in another mouthful of stew and reaching for another roll, all the while tapping his foot impatiently.

"Have you got something on your mind?" Gaius finally asked with a raised eyebrow.

Merlin swallowed an impossibly large mouthful before replying, "how do you destroy a hex bag?" 

Gaius' brows furrowed at the thought, "that depends both on who's been hexed and who's doing the hexing." 

"Arthur, by Mordred, the druid boy Morgana and I rescued..."

"I well remember Mordred, though he was only a child something about him never sat right with me. Do you have the bag?" Gaius asked, setting aside his bowl and leaning forward.

Merlin reached for the bag but stopped when Gaius gasped, "Merlin, you're hurt." 

"What are you talking about," the boy asked with a light chuckle as if pretending that it wasn't true would help anything.

"Your sleeve is almost covered in blood, I don't know how I didn't notice it before," Gaius said, his lip stretching into a thin line. 

Merlin could feel the panic rising in his chest, he was supposed to wait for the blood to dry before lowering his sleeve, but finding the hex bag was more important. He was going to have to think quickly... 

"Oh right, that's not mine. I was tending to a patient at the castle. You forget Gaius, when I'm not being an incompetent servant to a royal brat or secretly saving that same brats life, I'm a decent physician," Merlin said with a smile.

Gaius eyed him in the way he only reserved for when he didn't believe Merlin and then reached out his hand expectantly. 

Merlin's heart dropped, Gaius couldn't possibly be asking to see his arm, there was no way to explain away any of it and no way to face him if he ever found out. Merlin looked everywhere but at Gaius.

"Well come on then, let me see the hex bag," Gaius finally said. 

Merlin sighed in relief and pulled out the bag, he focused hard on not cringing as the fresh cuts on his arm rubbed against the fabric on his chest.

Gaius turned the back over and over, grunting and murmuring to himself as he did so. 

"Is there anyone way to break the curse?" Merlin finally asked after Gaius had been silence for a considerable length of time. 

"Yes," Gaius finally said, looking up at Merlin for the first time since getting his hand on the bag, "but it won't be easy."


	12. Sanitatum Incipit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epiphany's, confessions, a revelation,   
> a lot is discovered in this chapter,   
> perhaps even more is left unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic depiction of self-harm scars/wounds   
> TRIGGER WARNING: slight suicidal thoughts 
> 
> Stay Safe

Chapter 12   
Gaius sighed to himself as he heard Merlin come home late for the third night in a row. Although it was possible that the now king of Camelot had been keeping Merlin late because he needed him more with his new duties, Gaius knew that it was equally possible that Merlin’s late nights were stemming from something far more sinister than scrubbing armor and polishing blades. He tried to block out the memories, tried to forget the desperate searching look in Merlin’s eye when he had come home so many nights ago to Merlin staring at a cocktail that would’ve certainly been his death. To Gaius he had come home not a moment too soon but to Merlin, well, to Merlin it might have been too soon. 

He hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself at first of course, he wanted to believe the white lies and the casual jokes which Merlin always delivered with a faint smirk. But the light had faded from the boys eyes, a light which Gaius had seen extinguished from others before. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to face the truth. But the others, their stories all ended the same. Gaius knew that if someone didn’t step in and say something, do something, anything really…that Merlin was going to end up the same way. 

The boy’s problem was distracting Gaius from other more pressing matters that raged within the walls of Camelot. Namely the curse Arthur was under and destroying the hex which was causing it, finding Uther’s murderer and avenging the fallen king of Camelot, and of course tracking down Will who had disappeared just as mysteriously as he arrived. The same night that Uther had…

Gaius’ heart dropped.

“Oh William,” he whispered with a heavy sigh.

“What’s that, Gaius?” Merlin asked.

“Nothing Merlin, it’s late, get to bed now. You’ve got an early day ahead of you tomorrow.” 

“They’re all early days these days Gaius, rushing to bed won’t change anything,” Merlin said with a smile and sat down on the bench which they usually only used for meals at the table.   
“Are you alright, Merlin?” Gaius asked, raising his eyebrow in the way only he could at the boy’s peculiar behavior.

“Of course Gaius, I’ve just got a bit on my mind, too preoccupied with worry to sleep and seeing as you’re still up I imagine it’s the same for you. That said, have you had any luck with how to destroy the hex bag?” 

Gaius almost smiled then, of course! He had been so worried about how late it was getting that he had drifted off into worrying about other things as well, entirely forgetting that he did finally have a shred of good news to share with Merlin. “Yes, actually I did find something rather interesting about the particular hex which Mordred has used,” he said, pulling out the bag from the box in which he only kept that which he knew to be dangerous within.   
“Do you see this symbol, here? I first thought it was the symbol of the druids given the curvature of the symbol however upon further inspection it’s actually a line of runes from the old religion which when carefully evaluated may be the key in unlocking the king from his curse,” Gaius said, showing Merlin exactly what he needed to see.   
“It says here that a hex bag intended to harm someone contains a personal belonging of the intended victim. My first thought of course was to simply remove whatever item Mordred took from Arthur from the bag which would of course render it useless, however I have another plan that may be more effective for teaching our young druid a lesson. For that to work however, I’m going to have to ask a favor from you, Merlin. I need you to get something of Mordred’s from him, preferably without his notice of course. We’re not going to destroy this curse, we’re going to use it against him.” 

Merlin’s eyes flashed gold as he examined the inner contents of the bag, small bones from some sort of rodent, a few crushed herbs, and a vial. None of those things seemed to belong to Arthur…unless…zeroing in on the vial Merlin confirmed his suspicion, it was a vial of blood. A very powerful binding substance when used in a curse. 

“Have you tried to open it?” Merlin asked, forcing his gaze back to Gaius, “or are there defensive enchantments that I’m going to have to deal with first.” 

“I expected the same thing, Merlin, but I managed to open it just before you came home. I was going to dismantle it myself but seeing as you’re here I wondered if you wouldn’t rather do it. It’s always been your duty to protect Arthur and I would hate to take that right away from you after all,” Gaius said.

“That or you fear that the defensive enchantments won’t act until one of us attempts to remove something from the bag,” Merlin said with a laugh and Gaius smiled. He didn’t know until that moment just how much he had been missing the casual banter of the boy. 

Gaius held the bag up to Merlin and he took it without any hesitation, soon this would all be over and his prince—err, king now would be back to normal. His core went cold at the sudden realization of all that that might mean. Would he remember everything? Anything? 

Merlin thought back to all of the confessions that he had been making to Arthur of late. His struggle with self-harming, the fact that he had magic, and he swallowed nervously, the fact that he was…that he…well that he felt things for Arthur and he wasn’t quite sure what they were. Even though of course Arthur had said love, and Arthur was under a curse which made him believe all that Merlin did which would imply that Merlin loved Arthur but that was impossible. And that didn’t matter at all, because if Arthur remembered anything about how Merlin felt about him it was sure to get buried beneath the anger Arthur would feel about his being a sorcerer. 

“Merlin,” Gaius said softly, pulling him from his thoughts. 

“Right, sorry,” Merlin said clearing his throat and reaching into the bag. 

At first he didn’t realize what was happening, he was used to the dull burning sensation of cuts that had not quite healed rubbing against his sleeves. His fingers closed around the vial of Arthur’s blood and he yanked it out quickly, ignoring the searing pain which burned into his fingers. The vial’s metal lid was white hot and he threw it across the room in shock, praying as he watched it fly that it would land somewhere soft so as to not break. Cleaning up his own blood was one thing, but cleaning the blood of Arthur would hurt far worse than the pain in his fingers. 

Gaius watched in pain as the boy withdrew his hand from the bag again and again, pulling out scorching instruments which had been used to torture his king. “All we needed out was the vial Merlin,” he tried but if Merlin heard him he did nothing to show it until the bag was entirely emptied of its contents and Merlin began tapping his foot as if unsatisfied with his work. 

The burning hadn’t been that bad, Merlin thought. In fact he had almost enjoyed feeling a pain different than dragging a blade across his skin. He looked away, hoping that Gaius wouldn’t see the brightness that the experience had brought into his eyes, the way his lips tugged at their corners as if somehow what had just happened had made Merlin feel better instead of worse. 

Recognizing the refusal to face him, Gaius contented himself to preparing a bowl of warm water to soothe Merlin’s burnt skin and finding gauze to bandage it with once it was finished soaking. The contents of the hex bag seemed to have lost their heat when they were removed because though Merlin had scattered them about the room, none of the places which they had landed had begun burning. 

“Merlin, I need to treat your hand,” Gaius said, lowering the bowl onto the table and taking Merlin’s arm into his hands. 

Merlin stared at the wall as if it had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the world, ignoring Gaius as if he hadn’t spoken and wasn’t there. Merlin had often thought about telling Gaius about it of course, there were times where he knew he was in trouble. Times that he thought that if he didn’t ask for help soon the darker part of his mind was going to win, but those thoughts of needing help always seemed to become insignificant every time he went to approach the physician about it. Gaius was always out tending to people who had real illnesses and real need for help, Merlin wouldn’t allow his self-destruction to worry the physician or take up his time. He knew he wasn’t worth that.   
But despite his best efforts to keep it a secret, here he was with his arm in Gaius’ grasp, if he pulled away Gaius would be suspicious and if he didn’t then Gaius was soon to see what he had been trying so desperately trying to hide for the last few years. In the end, the secrets we hold most dear are the ones we have the most trouble keeping. Gaius peeled back Merlin’s sleeve slowly, as if he too was dreading what he would find there, as if he expected them to be there but didn’t want them to be. And then there they were. 

Rows and rows and rows of scars revealed themselves as Gaius pulled back Merlin’s sleeve, perhaps farther even then it really needed to go to properly tend to the burns. An impossible amount of scars, some only thin white lines, some pink and slightly elevated from his skin, and some fresh cuts only just beginning to heal, making it so there was no way that Merlin could tell Gaius that it was only memories from a bad past.   
If Gaius felt shocked, or angry, or disappointed, or any other number of reactions that would’ve made sense to Merlin, he didn’t show it. Instead he set his jaw and went about tending to the burn wounds. He then carefully, carefully, tended to the wounds that rested higher up the young sorcerer’s arm with an eerie gentleness that suggested he feared the boy would fade away altogether if he were too harsh. 

Merlin couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t say a word, he couldn’t even mutter an apology which god only knew he did far too much and for too many things that weren’t at all his fault. But this, this was his fault. This was entirely his fault. The thought manifested itself into the mantra that his brain screamed at him constantly, and he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself for the pain that he was causing Gaius in this moment.   
Gaius motioned for his other arm after a while and Merlin complied, reasoning that he no longer had anything left to hide and perhaps the wounds would be better off being tended to by a real physician instead of his sloppy bandages and poor excuses for healing salves. 

Merlin caught his breath as the physician rolled up this sleeve, his left arm had always been worse than his right. This time Gaius couldn’t hide his shock at the sight before him. Dozens of fresh cuts littered the boys arm, there was a line of three perfectly matching ones and then the pattern disintegrated into a spider-web of thin red lines that all melted into each other. The worst part was the blood from the wounds which Merlin’s tunic had smeared around the skin so that though there were only really cuts on a third or so of his arm, the entire thing was stained red with his blood. 

Gaius cleared his throat and blinked a few times before saying, “I’ll need a towel to tend to this, stay here.” 

Merlin swallowed the lump in his throat in lieu of responding, staring at the ceiling and trying to blink away the tears in his eyes as his guardian tended to wounds he had made and at times hoped would never heal.   
Though the whole process likely took less than half an hour, to both Merlin and Gaius it felt like it stretched on for hours. Silently the physician worked and silently Merlin accepted his help, trying and failing to tune out his mind which continued to scream insults at him.

“Why are you letting him help you when you don’t deserve it, if you wanted help you wouldn’t be so stupid. You did this to yourself, you should be taking care of yourself. Stop wasting his time, stop wasting everyone’s time. You’re disgusting. You’re despicable. It would be better for everyone if you had never come to Camelot, better for everyone…especially your mother….if you had never been born!” 

Finally, Merlin couldn’t take it anymore, “shut up!” he yelled to the empty room, startling Gaius who had been wrapping the final bandage around Merlin’s arm. 

“I didn’t say anything,” he replied in a voice much calmer than he felt. 

“I know you didn’t Gaius, it’s my mind. It’s my mind telling me all the things that made me do this in the first place. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I should be stronger. I shouldn’t give in, I should be better than this. They say I’m one of if not the most powerful men to walk the earth but look at me, Gaius,” Merlin said allowing the tears to gather and fall at last, and at last he was crying and then he was shaking, and then he was sobbing heart wrenching sobs which caused Gaius to pull the boy into his chest and stroke his hair in father-like affection.

“Now, now, Merlin. No one ever asked you to be perfect but you,” he said in a hushed tone, trying to be as soothing as possible. “No one has ever expected you to be anything but human. So allow yourself to be.”   
Gaius knew that he was trying and failing to say the right words but what other choice did he have, it wasn’t as if he could read Merlin’s mind and find what he needed him most to say. 

Merlin wiped his nose with the back of his hand and hiccuped something that sounded like a thanks before getting up. “I’m sorry for all of the pain that I’ve caused you.”   
He said before shutting his door and laying down.

Gaius stared at the table before him where bloodied cloths and the all but empty roll of gauze lay before him as a testament to everything he wanted to pretend he hadn’t seen. He wanted to hold the boy forever, to protect him from everything which afflicted him, but the battle fought within the mind is a battle that someone must ask for help to have help with and if Gaius knew one thing about Merlin, it was that he would never ask for help. He wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone, the fool.

“Stop apologizing for things that are not your fault, Merlin,” Gaius called to the shut door, only partially hoping that the words found their target. 

Merlin lay in bed with tears streaming from his eyes, the thought of Gaius’ disappointed gaze trailing over his wrists playing to the point of exaggeration in his sleep-deprived mind. It was weird to think that in the morning, though everything would be the same, everything would be entirely different. 

He wondered how long it had been since Mordred had first placed the hex bag under Arthur’s bed. He wondered just how much of Arthur he truly knew and how much of the Arthur he thought he knew was only his own thoughts reflecting back at him. 

He would know soon enough


	14. Paene Sicut In Initio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But how do you know how much memory you've lost...if you've lost it" - Next to Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING 
> 
> \- mention of scars  
> \- implied self harm

Arthur woke groggily and tried to blink away the complication of the dream he had just had. It had all seemed so real.

Merlin entered the King’s chambers and looked almost startled to see him already awake, but recovered quickly.

“Morning Sire,” he chirped, “how are you feeling?”

Arthur couldn’t help but to allow his suspicious gaze to fall from Merlin’s face to the boys covered wrists. Surely his chipper if dimwitted servant couldn’t actually have any dark secrets.

“Arthur, you’ve got quite a busy day today,” Merlin prodded. It wasn’t right, the chipper way he said it.

“I don’t recall scheduling anything that’ll make me any busier than I am ordinarily,” Arthur responded stubbornly and rolled over to avoid seeing Merlin’s eyes soften.

XXX

Merlin finally stepped fully into the room and set Arthur’s breakfast on his table. Considering the king had yet to throw anything at him, he figured it was safe to assume that he didn’t clearly remember everything that had transpired during the days he spent under Mordred’s curse. While that meant that Arthur, the real Arthur, was back…Merlin couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed. It seemed for a moment there that they were making so much progress, and now in a way he was going to have to start all over.

An unwelcome memory of Arthur leaning in to kiss him made its way into his mind and Merlin sighed. This had been the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t long for that alternate reality, the one where everything went right.

Finally he coaxed Arthur out of bed and began notifying him of his schedule while he ate his breakfast. If he was surprised at all that his duties were now that of a king instead of a prince he didn’t show it, causing Merlin to wonder what other parts of the past Arthur might remember.

“Are you alright, Arthur? You’re awfully quiet this morning…”

It wasn’t necessarily unusual for Arthur to be quiet in the morning, he wasn’t much of a morning person after all, but Merlin could tell that on top of the usual grogginess, Arthur also seemed to be very deep in thought as he chewed.

“What? No… yeah, sorry I’m fine,” he responded. “I’m also finished, if you’ll clear this. I’m going to work in the throne room today, if you need me.” Arthur was speaking to Merlin but as if through water, and about as focused as if he were seeing the boy through water as well. It was disconcerting to say the least but Merlin didn’t say anything, not yet. Instead he reached to clear the plate in front of the king and winced as Arthur caught him by the arm.

He tried his best not to panic, but by the force with which Arthur grabbed him he somehow knew what was coming. His eyes flashed gold for just a moment before Arthur yanked up his sleeve to reveal…nothing. “S-sorry,” Arthur stammered, clearly thinking quickly, “I uh thought I saw a bug fly into your sleeve”

Merlin bit his lip to keep from laughing at how pathetic the lie was, and Arthur always prided himself for his ability to think on his feet. “Well, thank you for trying to protect me from the erm…fly” Merlin said pulling his sleeve back down and collecting the rest of the breakfast platter. He scurried back out into the corridor before Arthur could say another word. The both of them relieved to be away from the other.

Merlin trudged up the steps to the old servant’s quarters with his head hanging, the breakfast tray still in his arms. Finally he was alone in the dusty old room. He sat down and put the tray by his feet, staring at the wall as if it were interesting and trying to blink back tears that were forming. They weren’t sad tears, they were more from the panic that was setting over the boy.

Arthur had grabbed his arm and tried to examine his wrist. That must mean that Arthur remembered at least some of what had been happening. He rolled up his sleeves and stared at his arms, which now looked entirely normal thanks to the quick magic he had done to save himself from Arthur seeing the scars.

He could have done this at any time of course, but the scars were a part of him. Perhaps it was selfish to have not protected Gaius from them the same way he had protected Arthur, but he wasn’t as healed then as he is now. Despite the difficulties that were still ahead, Merlin felt more equipped to handle them now. That’s why he was able to get rid of his scars when he previously couldn’t, he told himself.

And then he focused on his arms again, they hadn’t been normal in so long. It felt like he was looking at someone else’s wrists instead of his own, and the out of body feeling made him extremely uncomfortable. He was getting better, he reassured himself…but real change wouldn’t happen over-night. Or thanks to the simple casting of a silent spell.

Before he really knew he had convinced himself, he had reached into his pocket and pulled out his knife. His arms looked too weird without the marks, he decided. And after all he could always erase them if anyone was suspicious. It was like a blank canvas, almost like starting over.


	15. In Summary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's too much going on in Merlins mind, but fortunately he knows a trick to help with organizing his thoughts. And calming his fears. And helping him sleep.
> 
> It's getting bad again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic depictions of self-harm. If this may be triggering to you please do not read. 
> 
> Stay safe :)

Betraying the Stars 

Merlins fingers curled around his knife and he blinked the tears from his eyes. What good was starting over if the same mistakes would just be repeated again and again? He longed for his Arthur, the one he could be his magic self around. The one that understood him. That Arthur could never exist, would never exist. 

What was destiny anyway? It felt like a rubbish trick the universe had played on him. If something was meant to happen surely it could happen with or without him. He didn't feel necessary to Camelot or to Arthur, and if Arthur remembered more than he was letting on then Merlin's days were numbered anyways. 

He was getting better. He couldn't hurt Gaius again and he couldn't be so selfish anymore, it distracted him too much. Arthur needed him.   
Back and forth his mind pulled him, rejecting the concept of destiny entirely all the way to embracing his responsibility to Arthur and every point in between until it seemed every inch of his brain was set on a different opinion. 

That's when he finally pressed the blade to his skin. He didn't care about anything else, just that his mind would stop for a moment. The knife sliced through his skin and his mind quieted, every receptor in his brain focusing on the sting of the pain. The cut wasn't deep, blood beads formed but didn't grow enough to seep out. Merlin spread the cut with his fingers and watched the beads flow into each other before pressing it back together to watch a drop roll off his hand and onto the floor, turning a sickly brown as it hit the layer of dust. 

The next line was just slightly deeper and blood dripped to the floor without Merlin having to coax it. He lost himself in thought as he mindlessly drug the blade across his arm; this was the only way he could think clearly anymore. 

Mordred's curse had been lifted. This meant that Arthur was back to himself and no longer a mirror of Merlin's beliefs. This was good because Arthur's destiny was not just to bring magic to Camelot, and for Mordred to hijack his mind to make that a priority was selfish. This also could be bad because Merlin was still entirely unsure as to how much Arthur remembered, and feared that his day to day activities may start stirring memories. 

Gaius wants to use Mordreds own hex bag against him. This means that Merlin needs to get a piece of Mordred. The boy had used blood, but Gaius said the spell could be done with something as simple as a lock of hair. Merlin just needed to get it without clueing Mordred in to the fact that Arthur was free from his spell. 

And finally, Uther had been killed. It was unsettling to think that it was so easy for someone to come in and stab the king in his sleep, but Merlin had a suspicion that Will wouldn't have been considered a threat by anyone who didn't know him, and discarded as a ghost of a memory by anyone who did. The notion didn't seem too far-fetched given the fact that the boy had disappeared the same night Uther died. The question left rolling around in both Merlin and Gaius' minds of course was still about who woke Will, and was his killing Uther what they had planned? 

Merlins arms looked like a spiderweb and there was a small puddle of blood on the floor in front of where he sat, his hand moving mechanically to drag the knife across his wrist again and again while he sorted his thoughts. The sharp sting was gone and instead he felt numb to the blade, but he kept going, too lost in thought to realize how much time had passed. 

There weren't many suspects when it came down to who could've resurrected Will. Mordred was the first to come to mind, but he likely would've had Will kill Arthur instead and then try to place himself on the throne. He knew of one other sorcerer powerful enough to wake the dead, and it was no surprise she of all people would want someone to kill Uther. Morgana. 

Merlin snapped from his thoughts when the blade went deeper then he'd had it. The story of Morgana was a truly heartbreaking one, but the sorceress she'd become infuriated Merlin. The puddle of blood on the ground grew in size as the drops rained and Merlin wiped off his arms, ready to slip back into himself, his mind feeling clearly. 

When the blood was cleared away, the cuts on his right arm were light and uniform. The ones on his left spelled out in a haunting font: Long Live the King


	16. Walking from the West

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is taking back control, what step of his "to-do" list at a time

There were so many things up in the air that Merlin felt like it was all going to crash at any moment. He felt helpless and out of control, and he knew he could sit all night in his private room and dwell on it. But that wouldn't help him or Arthur or Camelot, and for once there was something that he could do that just might. 

He couldn't bring Uther back, and he couldn't rewind the last few months and erase Arthur's curse, but he could avenge his prince's mind. 

XXX

"You're sure you know where to find him?" Gaius said, eying Merlin.  
"Yes, it's perfectly safe Gaius, I'm a stronger sorcerer, you know that." 

"Anyone can be taken by surprise, Merlin." 

Merlin laughed, and Gaius looked at him wearingly. "Be careful, that's all I'm asking." 

He paused as if he was in thought, then slapped the table hard with both hands and Merlin jumped. 

Gaius pursed his lips and raised a brow, without looking the boy in the eye. 

Merlin nodded with an embarrassed grin to show Gaius he understood the point the man was making, and ducked out the door. If the man had noticed the fresh blood stains on the boys sleeve, he didn't mention it. 

Gaius turned back to reading a big dusty book on magic, if Merlin could get a piece of Mordred, Gaius was going to make sure he knew what to do with it when it came. 

XXX

Merlin looked over his shoulder to make sure he was alone and ducked into a cave far from the city. Within, there was a cauldron waiting for him with a brush pile already prepared, just waiting to be lit. Merlin flicked his wrist and the flames sprang to life, the contents of the cauldron having been prepared earlier in the day. 

"Miht dagan, beþecce me. Adeadaþ þisne gast min freondum ond min feondum"

He chanted over it, slowly morphing into a man much older, his hair growing first and turning gray, accompanied by a gray beard that looked eerily out of place on a young face that was slower to age with the potion. He watched the changes happen in the reflection of the cauldron until finally he looked nothing like himself. Then he picked up the staff he had hidden within the cave and carried on his way, pacing himself so that he would happen upon the Druids camp nearing twilight. 

As night was falling, he conjured a glowing orb to guide his way and hopefully alert the druids to his magic ability so that they'd assume he was one of them. 

The lights from the camp came into view through the brush soon after, and Merlin gritted his teeth. This disguise would hide him from almost all of them, but Mordred would know who he was. In all of the camp, there was one person to avoid. And he was the one person he needed. 

"Halt!" A woman called out to him, her voice smooth and young. "Who goes there?" 

Merlin froze, unable to think of a fake name on the spot and mentally kicking himself for not thinking of one. Then he took a deep breath and hoped for the best, "a friend," he said, unnaturally gurgling his voice to sound older. 

"Where do you come from?" Her voice didn't sound as militant Merlin noticed and he smiled to himself. 

"I come from the West, I am journeying to Camelot but I seek shelter from the night," as they spoke he continued to walk towards her and she didn't tell him to stop. 

"What business have you in Camelot?" 

"I go to seek relief for my village, we have fallen victim to pillaging bandits from a neighboring kingdom." 

At this point the two were face to face, and Merlins heart was in his throat. The Druid woman was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen, her hair was in dozens of braids and tied off with wooden beads. Her skin was dark and her eyes bright, and she smiled sympathetically. 

"It sounds truly dire if you are who they had to send, come in sir, please rest your feet. The journey from the west to Camelot is further than a young man should walk alone." 

"Indeed, and I am far from young," Merlin laughed and winked. Arching his back awkwardly to look as though walking was indeed wearing on his frame. 

He sat by a community fire with the woman, and patiently waited for her to go back to her post. But instead she remained by his side and another Druid took up the watch. 

The druids were welcoming and inviting, magic was used openly and Merlin felt almost at home for the first time. It was kind of nice to be somewhere without a secret to hide err, other then the fact he was about 60 years younger than he appeared to them. 

The woman who had welcomed him into the camp showed him to an empty tent where he would be allowed to sleep for the night, and he immediately retreated to pretend to be asleep. He laid down, and waited for the rest of the camp to drift away from the fire and to their own tents. 

"What are you doing here Emrys?" A voice infiltrated his thoughts


	17. The Thing About Heroes

"How do you know it's me?" Merlin thought into the quiet instead of pretending; if any sorcerer came anywhere near his magical prowess, it was Mordred. There was no use pretending the boy wasn't skilled enough for this. 

"You've dismantled my hex bag, Emry's..." Mordred's words hissed into Merlin's mind. "You're not playing very nicely," Mordred said, ignoring the question. 

Merlin closed his eyes and shuttered at the ominous tone in the boys words. What did he really intend to do here? Was there anything to be done considering Mordred was on to him? 

"Mordred, it was your arrogance that led me to finding the bag. If you need someone to blame, you've only got yourself for your own carelessness." Merlin finally responding, setting his jaw defiantly. 

"Emerys." Mordred sighed, a burdened sigh, "did I not warn you of the imminent division? Did I not warn you we would be standing opposite each other? And yet here you are, wandering behind enemy lines. What do you hope to achieve with this blatant stupidity?" 

Merlin tensed, it was one thing of course to be called stupid by Gaius or Arthur. He expected that, it was only ever a term of endearment from them. But from Mordred? Be he only a servant in Camelot, Mordred knew the truth and still dared to disrespect him so. 

Merlin was not a prideful man, he cared very little about pride and honor. But Mordred had once pretended to know his place, and now seemed he'd swiftly forgotten it. It was disheartening to Merlin more than it was aggravating. 

"I will not tell you what I hope to achieve; in time you will be fully aware of the nature of this visit." 

Mordred actually laughed at this, a sharp haughty laugh which grated on Merlin. 

"That's not how this works Merlin, surely you must understand that. We're not in Camelot, we're in a druids encampment. I have power here...but you, you have nothing." 

Merlin smiled then, just barely. Not enough for Mordred to pick up on the change in emotion and he replied, "of course, Mordred, how could I be so ignorant as to think I could treat this encampment as my own kingdom. There's surely many differences here that I am unaware and unaccustomed to. Perhaps you might show me how it is magic thrives outside of the walls of Camelot, so that I might have a better argument for Arthur when finally we speak clearly about it." 

Mordred lay in his tent silently, with his eyes closed, focusing deeply on his conversation with Emrys. His eyelids fluttered as he scanned Merlin's mind for any thoughts that Merlin wasn't offering freely, but he couldn't tell whether he could read all of them or some where hidden away. 

Either Merlin was telling the truth regarding his intention, or he was better at hiding his thoughts than Mordred was at reading them. Because Mordred was so proficient at reading anyone else's thoughts, he decided it must be the former. 

"I will show you how it is that magic thrives non-violently outside of the walls of Camelot," Mordred said slowly, "but the service is not free. It will require something of you."

Merlin smiled a secret smile before responding, "anything." 

And so it was decided through only slight negotiations on either side that in the morning Mordred would show Merlin around the camp. All Merlin had to do in return was bring peace and allow magic back into Camelot. Given that that was a part of his destiny unbeknownst to Mordred, it was a fairly easy promise for Merlin to make. 

XXX

Morning came, and the camp bustled to life. Merlin watched shadows dance across the walls of his tent, stubbornly electing to observe from bed instead of actively participate for as long as was reasonable for a man of his age (or at least a man of his disguise.) 

When he finally roused from his sleep he jumped slightly when he noticed that Mordred had been waiting directly outside his tent for him. One half of him wanted to ask him how Mordred knew he was in that one, the other was grateful the boy hadn't killed him in his sleep. 

"Such a dark thought, Emrys. Have you forgotten so quickly we were once friends?"

Merlin rubbed the sleep from his eyes and joined the shadow outside of the tent then, "right," he said with a smile. Wanting to believe the good nature, but knowing firsthand the darkness living within Mordred. He was more careful to hide this thought. 

"Feast your eyes, friend. To a world run by the evil forbidden magic"  
Mordred said, allowing his arms to sweep widely over the camp. 

It was almost impossible for Merlin to hide his awe, everyone openly practiced magic here. There were enchanted brushes scrubbing pots, and laundry doing itself in the river down by the edge of the camp. Children were learning low level spells, and almost everywhere Merlin went it seemed someone was reading a book of the old religion. Were it not for his destiny, he might be content to stay here. To become a part of the camp, and allow his magic to be known.

"Are you a Druid?" A little girl with impossibly green eyes asked, looking up at Merlin. 

"What do you think?" Merlin responded in his gurgled voice, letting go of his walking stick to spread out his arms while his walking stick stayed suspended by nothing. 

The girls eyes widened. "But, you didn't utter any incantation...how did you do that?" 

Merlin's eyes sparkled, "that my girl is a secret," he said placing a wrinkly old hand on her shoulder. "But it is one you may learn when you reach my age" 

"How old are you?" She chirped and Merlin smiled softly, "old enough that I don't have to answer that," he said with a wink. 

The girls mother called her and she ran off, not before surprising Merlin with a hug, which nearly knocked him over. 

"I am young enough that I remember a time I admired someone the way she admires you" Mordred mused softly, "but of course our heroes can hardly ever remain so."

Merlin nodded silently. He knew too well that the people we hold in highest esteem will only ever disappoint us. He wanted to apologize to Mordred, for not being what the boy thought, but it was clear in Mordred's face that he still had more to say. So Merlin waited. 

"I loved her you know," Mordred offered.  
And Merlin waited. 

"Sorry, Morgana I mean. Not romantically of course, but as a dear dear friend. Perhaps even a sister. She meant everything to me." 

Merlin pursed his lips, hiding his thoughts behind a wall in his mind. The last he had known of Morgana was that she had disappeared, he'd heard no news whether she was alive or dead and it seemed everyone was content to pretend she either wandered into a neighboring village or had never existed in the first place. In the kingdom of Camelot she had been entirely forgotten. 

Not so for Mordred, the boy looked over his shoulder before quickening his pace down to the river. "To drown out the sound" he explained, motioning to the water gurgling over the rocks. 

It seemed an abrupt time to become guarding of such an inconsequential conversation, Merlin thought at first, but he waited. 

"I loved Morgana, and I admired you Emrys. But her and I both knew that your plan would take too long; we both had plans of our own...but it seems where mine faltered hers was swift and struck silently. I would love her more were I not so jealous of her success." 

The wall in Merlin's mind was ripe towards bursting with this overflow of new information. It seemed Morgana wasn't nearly as inconsequential as he and the rest of Camelot had assumed. If Arthur's curse was due to Mordred, what other recent big event might be attributed to Morgana? He knew it even as he asked himself the question, but he didn't want to believe it. 

If Morgana were responsible for Uther's life it meant that she had also reanimated Will. That would mean that Will was acting on her behalf. Son of a bitch, Mordred was right. Our heroes can never fully remain so.


	18. What's worth Remembering

(18) 

"Did he ever hurt you?" Will asked, more casually than the question really deserved.   
"No, not really. Well not really if you compare it to what he did to Arthur anyways," Morgana replied. 

"Not at all or not as badly as Arthur, Morgana? There's a difference." 

"A difference that doesn't matter anymore, thanks to you." Morgana raised her glass against his at this, cheering his victory.

"Is that why you brought me back then, to kill him?" 

"Of course." 

"And you knew I would do so with no direction?" Will raised a brow at this, "you've got to consider this from my perspective. I was a dead man who woke up from nothing and had nowhere to go. I had no plan and it I think was the part of the one who reanimated me to give me some sort of plan." Will prodded. 

"Oh come now, Will. Are you suggesting you would have preferred my waiting for you when you roused? My telling you I wanted you to kill Uther? You would have hauled me into the citadel for treason as well as practicing sorcery. Don't deny it, your loyalty was Uthers even when you woke." 

"I won't deny it, I just don't understand how it was that you knew my loyalties would change." 

Morgana smiled at this, "I had less control over that, but I guessed well. I knew you'd likely go to Gaius and Merlin and I knew they knew the truth of Uthers abuse. I had hoped you'd figure it out, and hoped it would be enough to sway your opinion." 

"You based the worth of waking the dead on a guess?" 

"There wasn't much cost to the idea of it failing." 

"Maybe for you," Will laughed lightly, it was of course his life she had weighed. 

They had been hiding in caves closer to the villages than Camelot for a few days now, and finally Will had worked up the courage to begin questioning the sorceress. At first he had been too shocked to resist when she pulled him into the cave. He had only been trying to return to his grave marker, entirely unsure of where he was going to go from there. 

He knew that this was not going to last forever. He and Morgana could not live in solitude in the caves for the remainder of her life, and he was on borrowed time as it was. Even already his body was reminding him that he was past his life. 

He sipped from his glass while wrestling with himself about what other questions he dared to ask tonight. The wine ran down his throat and felt heavy in his stomach; he hadn't needed food or rest since he had woken, only drank because he had used to like it.

Morgana eyed him cautiously, she knew what questions he was facing. Knew the concept of his mortality which she had bent for her own purposes. Would this affect his fate in the afterlife? Did he have another full shot at life? He died rather young after all, his body might last for a remaining full life, into old age even. But would he want that? Now that he had tasted the other side, would anyone want to return? 

"What now?" He asked abruptly slamming his cup down, "what do I do? Do you believe to own me because you re-gifted my life? 

Morgana blinked at the sharp sound and laughed, "you have fulfilled my purpose for you. I am indifferent to whatever you do with the remainder of your new time...so long of course as you tell no one my hand in any of it." 

"So I'm...free?" Will said, his brows furrowing. 

"Yes, Will. You can do anything; but you must know that your days are still limited. I've never used this charm before, I have no idea how long it'll last." 

Will smiled at this, "has that not always been the unfortunate fate of man? My days were limited in my first life, just as they are now. I do not fear death." 

"I can't imagine you would, I just mean that at any moment this might be over; you won't see it coming." 

"Morgana, do you remember the fashion in which I died? I cannot say I saw that coming either. I have no fear, I thank you for the second chance." 

Wills mind was racing even as he spoke to Morgana, for all intents and purposes he was alive. He couldn't step foot in his own village and it would be very very dangerous to return to Camelot, but he was alive. If already an enemy of Camelot there was no reason why he couldn't practice magic, maybe he could use it to practice magic...contact Merlin even. Of course Merlin wouldn't fear him...he couldn't. He had his own secrets which Will had always kept so diligently for him. 

"Can you teach me?" He asked suddenly.

"What, how do have a second chance? Hardly. I've never gotten one myself. 

"No, sorry, I mean magic. It's clear you've become a great sorcerer in the time I've been away. Is it possible you might teach me a bit of what you've learned?" 

Morgana smiled and pulled her shoulders back at this, "while I appreciate being recognized for my achievements I cannot offer to teach. Magic is still unlawful in Camelot, I know your loyalty to Uther has died. But we both know you are still loyal to Arthur. Long live the King, right?" 

Will stiffened at this, "I never told you that..."

"It's not hard to watch things happen if you know how; I watched you enter the castle. Watched you write that letter, place it in the window, and plunge your dagger into Uthers heart." Her eyes sparkled as she said it, her lips tugging into a subtle smile. 

Will shuddered at the bloodthirsty look on her face.   
"I watched you enter Arthur's chambers as well, scribble the note you left in his room...I saw the way you paused to look at him. He was at your mercy, and you spared him. Long live the king," her eyes narrowed. 

"Was Uther all you wanted killed?" Will knew the answer by the way Morgana scowled; it was clear she had hoped Arthur would be a victim as well, but why? Arthur had already been a victim of Uther, just like Morgana. Should the two not stand in solidarity together? 

"Will I do not hate you for sparing Arthur, I expected it. Arthur doesn't know, but I am more than the kings ward. I am Arthur's blood sister; an illegitimate daughter of Uther. My blood is royal, and were Arthur to pass I would be heir to the throne." 

If Will were surprised by this, he didn't show it. Choosing instead to continue flattering Morgana, it wouldn't due to get on her bad side it seemed. 

"You would make a fine queen, Morgana. Just as Arthur would make a fine king; I am indifferent to who rules. I won't take sides in this. I only hope that magic might be welcome in Camelot in the end." 

Morgana glanced at the doorway of the cave to make sure no one was listening in, before asking him why; hoping he might betray secrets from his past life. 

"I know the dangerous of magic; but I know also the dangers of witch hunts. How many citizens of Camelot have died even when we've had the cure, just because the cure was magic? How many situations have we complicated by irrationally fearing magic? Anything can be used for good or bad, so why suppress the possibility of good for fear of the bad?" 

Morgana smiled a tight-lipped smile, he was speaking more diplomatically than would be helpful to her. 

"Well, I don't know about Arthur but I know if I were queen I would indeed make magic lawful," she said slowly. 

"Highness, I remain indifferent to who leads. I will not express want or preference for either of you anymore than the other. I am grateful that Uther will no longer hurt anyone. It seems as you mentioned earlier that I have served the purpose for which you called me." He said, closing the conversation with an air of finality. 

XXX

Gaius was startled from his dinner by a furious pounding at the door. 

When he opened it, he was greeted by Arthur, red in the face with what looked like traces of tears in his eyes. 

"Is everything alright, Sire?" But Arthur ignored him, pushing past him and bursting into Merlin's room without knocking. 

He didn't seem surprised that Merlin wasn't there, instead beginning to fling Merlin's things around violently, clearly looking for something.   
"Sure is there anything I can assist you with?" Gaius asked. 

"Where is Merlin?" Arthur barked. 

"I'm sorry, he's out on errand for me. Did you need him?" 

"No, I need to speak to you in private actually," Arthur said finally stopping his rampage to sit on the edge of Merlin's bed. 

Gaius stayed in the doorway and eyed him levelly, "are you dealing poorly with the loss?" 

"Wha-no!" Arthur said, glaring at the ceiling at the thought. "My fathers death was untimely, but I've dealt with it and moved on. I suggest you do the same," he snapped. 

Gaius waited for Arthur to compose himself then asked, "forgive me Sire, what is the reason for your visit?" 

"It seems absurd," Arthur began, "but of late I've been having strange dreams. And different things throughout the day will trigger memories I didn't have before. I cannot distinguish between these new memories and the dreams...I fear I am losing my grip on reality." 

Gaius pursed his lips then, he of course knew that this was due to the curse. But with having lost Uther so recently, that was probably more than Arthur could handle to know. Despite how strong the young king thought he was. 

"It sounds as though your dreams might be more vivid than your used to, it's a very common side effect of grief. I can make you an elixir that should help keep the dreams away, you'll just need to drink it before bed." 

"And what if the dreams stop but the memories persist?" 

"We will address that if it happens, right now I want to start with the simplest fix. This does not explain why you've just destroyed Merlin's room, was there something you were looking for?" 

Arthur actually looked sheepish at this. "I fear my vivid dreams may have gotten to me, Gaius. I felt I had reason to believe Merlin was a sorcerer," he actually laughed as he said it. 

Gaius chuckled nervously along with him, hoping that the idea remained this absurd in Arthur's mind. 

If Merlin had revealed himself to Arthur in his cursed state, it wouldn't be long before Arthur remembered it clearly.


End file.
